East Belfast man who pronounced it ‘bonfire’ instead of ‘bone-fire’ kneecapped

A Belfast man was shot in his right knee after he said bonfire instead of ‘bone-fire’, according to reports.

Dog walkers found 28-year-old Woody Burns lying in an alleyway writhing in agony with the words ‘snobby bawsterd’ written on his forehead with a permanent marker.

Mr Burns was rushed to the nearby Ulster Hospital where doctors spent four hours trying to get the ink off his head.

In Northern Ireland, bonfires are lit each 11 July using petrol bombs by bare-bellied inebriated men screaming ‘yeeoo’ to celebrate the victory of Williamite forces at the Battle of the Boyne.

But every summer Woody’s parents would send him on a three month ski trip to St Moritz, Switzerland to spare him the experience.

However, this year Woody defied his parents and headed for his local bonfire site.

Speaking from his bed in the Specialist Drama Unit, Woody told us:

‘Daddy told me the folk who gathered in their droves to drink and watch bonfires were nothing but cut-throats and savages’.

‘But I wanted to prove him wrong by helping these gentlemen gather some materials they might set alight’.

‘I saw a couple of chaps in Glasgow Rangers jerseys dragging a busted sofa onto some waste ground’, he explained.

‘So I approached them and asked, ‘Collecting for this year’s bonfire, guys?’.

‘That’s when I was cracked across the skull with a half-drunk bottle of Pear Kopparberg’.

‘When I regained my consciousnesses one of the chaps was stood over me and pressing a gun against my kneecap’, recalled Woody.

‘Thankfully, the doctors say I’ll make a full recovery. Just in time to walk on the 12th’, he beamed.

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