Absolute bastard puts her Christmas tree up

  A massive dickhead has put her Christmas tree up, it has emerged. Christine Kringle from East Belfast forced her husband (Nick) to fetch the tree from the loft before he went to work this morning. The irritatingly cheerful woman then spent the morning turning her living room into ‘some sort of fucking winter wonderland’ … Continue reading Absolute bastard puts her Christmas tree up

‘Take your coat off or you won’t feel the benefit of it outside’ warns local woman

Get tickets to the brand new and final DLA stage comedy at the Grand Opera House 13-17 June 2023 A Dundonald woman is warning people about the dangers of wearing coats indoors, it has emerged. As temperatures continue to plummet across the province, Helen McMelter is concerned people won’t experience the full benefits of a … Continue reading ‘Take your coat off or you won’t feel the benefit of it outside’ warns local woman

Fourth man dies from boredom outside re-opened Primark

A Belfast man tragically passed away this evening while waiting for his girlfriend outside Primark in Belfast City Centre. Dom Bordman was found on a nearby public bench by shoppers who believed he was sleeping. The 35-yr-old passed away while waiting on his girlfriend who was queuing to get into Primark which reopened its doors … Continue reading Fourth man dies from boredom outside re-opened Primark

Local woman orders a Chinese as soon as she’s home from holiday

  A Dundonald woman ordered 'the usual' from her local Chinese takeaway just minutes after arriving home from holiday, it has emerged. 37-yr-old Helen McMelter was barely through the front door when she instructed her partner Joe to 'ring la Chinkers'. Helen, who spent 10 days drinking in an Irish pub in Benidorm and ate … Continue reading Local woman orders a Chinese as soon as she’s home from holiday

Local mum celebrates child’s first swear word with a balloon cluster

A Dundonald woman has celebrated her child's first utterance of the word 'fuck' with an assortment of overpriced balloons, it has emerged. Helen McMelter ordered the helium-filled bags after hearing her 3-year-old daughter Shania drop the F bomb this morning. It's understood the toddler was refusing to get her hair brushed when the profanity was … Continue reading Local mum celebrates child’s first swear word with a balloon cluster

Fall in GCSE grades for kids locked in house for 2yrs and home-schooled by pished parents

There has been a fall in the proportion of top GCSE grades awarded in Northern Ireland to children who were home-schooled by inebriated parents during the Covid-19 pandemic. GET TICKETS TO THE NEW DLA STAGE COMEDY IN THE MAC Experts believe they can link the fall to no child having sat a summer exam in … Continue reading Fall in GCSE grades for kids locked in house for 2yrs and home-schooled by pished parents

Absolute bastard has made a wee start on Christmas

A 33-year-old Dundonald woman is getting on everyone’s tits by boasting that she’s ‘made a wee start on Christmas’. GET TICKETS FOR THE NEW DLA STAGE SHOW AT THE MAC Smug Emma Kringle is looking forward to spending the next four months lecturing those around her about how unorganised they are. The mother-of-two claims to … Continue reading Absolute bastard has made a wee start on Christmas

July and August to be renamed Usuns-tember and Themuns-tober in NI from 2023

GET TICKETS FOR THE NEW DLA SHOW IN THE MAC The months of July and August are set to be renamed exclusively in Northern Ireland, it has emerged. Effective 2023, July will become Usuns-tember and August Themuns-tober – with these prefixes being interchangeable depending on which ethnopolitical group you identify with. The move comes after … Continue reading July and August to be renamed Usuns-tember and Themuns-tober in NI from 2023

Dundonald man spends day peeling sweaty ball bag off inner thigh

A Dundonald man has spent the entire day peeling his clammy scrotal sack off his inner thigh, it has emerged. Office worker Henry Halls made the shocking admission as temperatures continue to soar across the civil parish. 'Can't wait to get out of work and get a pair of shorts on', said Henry while craftily … Continue reading Dundonald man spends day peeling sweaty ball bag off inner thigh

Glider launch new West Belfast bus service

Translink have bowed to public demand by announcing a new service dedicated exclusively to West Belfast. The new G-Unit service will link the Stewartstown Road, Andersonstown Road, Falls Road and Divis Street in the west and run alongside the existing G1 and G2 services. Bosses at the transport company unveiled the newly refurbished bus interior … Continue reading Glider launch new West Belfast bus service