Dundonald school food parcels to include sweetie fegs and Shandy Bass

Don't get chased by Nolan, get a DLA mask today Food packages sent to children in Dundonald who qualify for free school meals and are remote learning because of the national lockdown will contain 'sweetie fegs' and shandy, it has emerged. Stormont MLAs are worried that unless exposed to low alcohol shandy drinks and ‘sweetie … Continue reading Dundonald school food parcels to include sweetie fegs and Shandy Bass

Nicole Kidman offered flat in Carnet House

Get a DLA bake mask Nicole Kidman has been offered a flat in Carnet House after confessing she fell in love with Belfast while filming here. Nicole and her four children are currently staying in a Belfast Holiday Inn whilst her application for a new dwelling is being processed by the Housing Executive. The actress … Continue reading Nicole Kidman offered flat in Carnet House

Dundonald women airlifted to safety from summit of Moat Hill

Avoid a telling off from Nolan and get a DLA face mask today! A group of women in see-through leggings have been rescued while ascending a man-made hill in Dundonald. The earthy mound, commonly referred to as 'The Moat', was once the site of a 12th century fort but since 1972 has been a popular … Continue reading Dundonald women airlifted to safety from summit of Moat Hill

NI health officials propose six more weeks of scrolling through videos of dicks baking banana bread

Get a DLA bake mask Health officials have proposed another six weeks of being stuck in doors and scrolling through videos of dicks baking banana bread, shaving their heads and juggling bog rolls. There is increasing speculation that Elf minister Robin Swann will recommend his 42nd lockdown of the year following the enormous success of … Continue reading NI health officials propose six more weeks of scrolling through videos of dicks baking banana bread

Violumpet Man releasing Christmas album

Keep Nolan at bay with a DLA face mask A Belfast busker dubbed 'The Violumpet Man ' is releasing a new album just in time for Christmas, according to reports.  The Transylvanian Tchaikovsky revealed that all tracks on the album will be covers of Christmas classics and featuring his trademark Stroh violin. Over the past … Continue reading Violumpet Man releasing Christmas album

Dundonald woman looking forward to her ‘big Christmas food shap’

A local woman is gearing up for 'the big Christmas shap' when lockdown ends, according to reports. Big Janice from Coronation Park, Dundonald made the announcement this morning whilst making out her lengthy shopping list. Every year without fail, Janice keeps packing her fridge with food reserved for Jesus' birthday bash until it resembles some … Continue reading Dundonald woman looking forward to her ‘big Christmas food shap’

40-yr-old man set to receive Lynx Africa set and novelty socks for 10th Christmas running

A Dundonald man looks a sure thing to receive socks and a Lynx Africa set for Christmas, it has emerged. After finding novelty socks and a cheap body spray/shower gel set under the tree for the past 10 years, Chrissy Kringle resigned himself to the fact that this year will be no different. The uninspiring … Continue reading 40-yr-old man set to receive Lynx Africa set and novelty socks for 10th Christmas running

Death toll rises to 38, as boyfriend dies from boredom outside Primark

A Dundonald man tragically passed away this morning while waiting for his girlfriend outside Primark in Belfast City Centre, it has emerged.  Dom Bordman (35) was found on a public bench by Christmas shoppers who believed he was sleeping. Forensics experts estimate that Mr Bordman was stood outside the shop for between 35-45 minutes before … Continue reading Death toll rises to 38, as boyfriend dies from boredom outside Primark

Dundonald woman claims Sudocreme and cold flannel fixed husband’s broken neck

A Dundonald woman claims to have mended her husband’s broken neck using a medicated cream aimed primarily at the treatment of nappy rash, it has emerged. 42-year-old Nick Kringle fractured a cervical vertebrae after falling from his loft while fetching Christmas decorations at his wife’s behest. The plumber tried accessing his roof space by standing … Continue reading Dundonald woman claims Sudocreme and cold flannel fixed husband’s broken neck