Portadown man becomes first Prod in space

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A Portadown became the first Prod to travel into space yesterday following a successful mission.

Local ‘space cadet’ Woody Burns reached a maximum altitude of 187 miles whilst aboard a stack of pallets.

The Loyalist cosmonaut reached his destination with the aid of a powerful rocket which he smoked shortly before his ascent.

Upon reaching the surface of the wooden structure, Burns planted a union ‘fleg’ and said:

‘Dat der’s one wee step for Loyalism, one massif step for Prods’.

Images of Burns’ feat were beamed around the world amid much fanfare – except in Northern Ireland where the main story was about Stephen Nolan wearing shorts in his own back garden.

Portadown locals expressed their admiration for Burns and his achievements but also reserved some praise the town’s entire cosmonaut community.

‘Sure Portydown’s always been fulla spacers’, revealed Luke Young, proprietor of a local botox clinic.

Burns underwent rigorous training to prepare him for his mission including a 4 hour stint in a waltzer at Funderland.

The 26-year-old is expected to return to Earth around 11pm on 11th July.


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