US President Biden looks set to attend just one venue during his visit to Northern Ireland - Belfast's newly refurbished Primark store. He had been invited to Stormont to mark the 25th anniversary of the Good Friday Agreement but told aides he'd 'rather use a toaster as a bath bomb' than endure an afternoon in … Continue reading Joe Biden: US president will visit Belfast Primark
School children studying GCSE history are to learn about the 'Great Bog Roll Shortage of 2020' in a new syllabus unveiled today. Pupils will study in depth the time when morons unnecessarily stock-piled shit paper during the early stages of the Coronavirus outbreak. They will have to show that they understand the reasons why people … Continue reading Great Bog Roll Shortage of 2020 added to GCSE history syllabus
Belfast Zoo has been charged with a string of animal cruelty offences after they named a new-born giraffe 'Ballysally'. Neja the giraffe gave birth to the herd's newest female Rothschild’s giraffe on 5th February. However, the fifth-time mother's joy was short-lived when evil zoo workers named the calf after a housing estate in Coleraine. As … Continue reading Belfast Zoo charged with animal cruelty after naming baby giraffe ‘Ballysally’
Dunmurry's last remaining time machine has accidentally transported Northern Ireland back to the 1980s, it has emerged. The incident occurred when a group of youths hijacked a DeLorean DMC-12 driving through South West Belfast in the early hours of this morning. The vehicle was on its way to a local Comic-Con when it was approached … Continue reading DeLorean accidentally takes Northern Ireland back to the 80s
ISIS bride Shamima Begum took to the 'NIHE House Swaps' Facebook page this morning to ask if anyone in the Tullycarnet area would be willing to swap their home for her place in a Syrian detention camp. The 19-yr-old fled the UK to Syria as a schoolgirl aged 15 but now hopes to move to … Continue reading ISIS bride looking to swap a detention camp in Syria for a 4 bedroom 2 bathroom in Tullycarnet
The latest MLA sighting at Stormont has been exposed as yet another elaborate hoax, it has emerged. Weed enthusiast, Connor Spiracy (36), claims he saw a Northern Irish MLA at work and even had photographic evidence to back it up. The flat-earther captured the footage on the grounds of Stormont and says the images he … Continue reading Latest MLA sighting at Stormont yet another hoax
A Dundonald woman is 'fed up this day', according to some shite she wrote on the internet this morning. It follows yesterday's claims about her being 'Up to high doh'. 38-year-old Helen McMelter posted a deliberately vague Facebook status hoping to trigger an outpouring of sympathy. Within seconds of posting, dozens of nosy bastards descended … Continue reading Dundonald woman tells internet she’s ‘fed up this day’
A Dundonald woman has been charged with GHB after a drink-fuelled night out with friends. Helen McMelter was celebrating a friend's divorce in Benedicts Hotel, Belfast when the incident is said to have occurred. Eyewitnesses claim the mother-of-five was clutching a large inflatable penis and screaming 'get her bucked' which attracted the attention of a … Continue reading Dundonald woman charged with ‘GHB’
A Dundonald woman was left ‘badly shaken’ after going head over arse on a vibro plate at her local gym, it has emerged. Anna Robic (41) was performing a ‘side plank’ when her arm gave way beneath her sending her crashing face-first into a high-powered vibrating plate. The mother-of-three’s head repeatedly bounced of the plate … Continue reading Local woman left badly shaken after falling on vibro plate
A 'fleg' supporting the Church of Scientology has been spotted up a lamppost in Belfast. It is understood that either Themuns or Usuns are showing solidarity with the controversial organisation which has been passing leaflets around the city in recent days. It is the latest in a series of strange 'flegs' unfurled by locals who … Continue reading Scientology ‘fleg’ spotted in Belfast
The 2015 internet thing dubbed 'Frostbit Boy' was rushed to hospital after his severely blackened testicles were discovered by his family. The 26-year-old told a sensationalist local internet news source he'd had his 'left ballick wheeked aff, hi' after being diagnosed with frostbite. It's understood the boss-level Culchie was returning home from a night at … Continue reading Frostbit Boy loses testicle to frostbite
Some harrowing tales are emerging this afternoon as the victims of Dundonald's 5-minute snow storm share their experiences. The whole parish was thrown into chaos around 1pm today as a shocking half a centimetre of snow fell from the skies. Some residents were moved to temporary accommodation after a skiff of snow settled on top … Continue reading Survivors of Dundonald’s 5-min snow storm reveal ordeal
Everyone in Northern Ireland is about to completely lose their shit over the 1cm of snow which may settle for an hour or two before melting, it has emerged. The announcement comes even though it has snowed every year since records began. Dfl Roads kicked things off by confirming they were totally unprepared should the … Continue reading Northern Ireland to lose its shit over 1cm of snowfall again
A Dundonald couple are embroiled in a bitter custody battle over their Air Fryer, it has emerged. Joe and Helen McMelter have been locked in divorce negotiations over their five children and countertop convection oven with neither party prepared to concede an inch. Much like Lazy Spas and paddle boards before it, the Air Fryer … Continue reading Divorcing Dundonald couple fight for custody of air fryer
NI councils say they remain 'on course' to hit their target of 100,000 potholes on roads across the province. The latest data shows the councils are falling short with just 65,000 potholes recorded on NI’s roads last year. 'We're doing everything we can to hit the 100,000 mark', said a Belfast City Council spokesman. 'Lack … Continue reading NI councils ‘on course’ to reach 100,000 potholes target in 2023
A Dundonald man who held in a fart for 17 hours, has died. 31-year-old Ivor Windass spontaneously combusted as a result of a huge build up of gas in his alimentary canal. The window cleaner recently confided in friends and family that he'd entered into a new relationship which wasn't at the 'farting in front … Continue reading Man in new relationship dies from holding in fart
An alleged energy drink dealer in Dundonald has been the victim of a paramilitary-style attack. 24-year-old Paul Logan was set upon by masked men and dragged up an alleyway where he was beaten with baseball bats, iron bars and a wet towel. The father-of-eight was stumbled upon by a dog walker and rushed to the … Continue reading ‘Prime dealer’ victim of paramilitary-style punishment beating
Social media giants Facebook will offer its users a new filter allowing them to block any ‘the boy did good’ posts from their timelines on Christmas Day this year, according to reports. Every Christmas, thousands of women pretend to be shocked while posing for photographs with all the gifts they demanded from their partners before … Continue reading Facebook announces new ‘the boy done good’ filter for Christmas
A local hardman has been forced to wear trousers instead of shorts as temperatures continue to plummet. For years, 58-year-old Chuck Stones has paraded around Dundonald in a pair of luminous sports shorts thus exposing his leg tattoos, including a union flag waving Tasmanian Devil. However, freezing conditions have left the father-of-twelve with no choice … Continue reading ‘So cold’ Dundonald hardman swaps shorts for trousers
A sequel to 90s smash hit comedy 'Cool Runnings' started production in the Co Down town of Dundonald this morning. The reboot welcomes back original cast members Doug E. Doug, Rawle D. Lewis, Malik Yoba, although John Candy refused to reprise his role on the grounds of poor health. Principal photography began in Dundonald village … Continue reading Cool Runnings 2 begins production in Dundonald this morning
A Dundonald man has started smoking tobacco cigarettes in a desperate bid to wean himself off nicotine vapour, it has emerged. Dave ‘Dopey’ Stewart inadvertently became addicted to nicotine when he started vaping a couple of years ago. Dopey, a non-smoker to begin with, started vaping because ‘all his mates were doing it’. Through time … Continue reading Dundonald fella takes up smoking in bid to quit vaping
A Dundonald woman is dishing out repeated bollockings over her family's attempts to eat treats reserved for Jesus' birthday bash. Every December without fail, Helen McMelter packs her fridge to capacity with festive foods. And each year Helen's husband Joe sneaks a peak at the delicious bounty only to be told - 'Here you, put … Continue reading ‘Put that back, it’s fer Christmas’, says Dundonald woman
A Dundonald woman has maintained her annual tradition of being absolutely f**k all help when it comes to choosing her a Christmas gift, it has emerged. Every year, Kristina Kringle's children fail in the numerous attempts to wheedle a suitable gift suggestion her. The 60-yr-old mother-of-three will fob her children off with lines such as: … Continue reading Local martyr doesn’t want anything for Xmas again
A massive dickhead has put her Christmas tree up, it has emerged. Christine Kringle from East Belfast forced her husband (Nick) to fetch the tree from the loft before he went to work this morning. The irritatingly cheerful woman then spent the morning turning her living room into ‘some sort of fucking winter wonderland’ … Continue reading Absolute bastard puts her Christmas tree up
Get tickets to the brand new and final DLA stage comedy at the Grand Opera House 13-17 June 2023 A Dundonald woman is warning people about the dangers of wearing coats indoors, it has emerged. As temperatures continue to plummet across the province, Helen McMelter is concerned people won’t experience the full benefits of a … Continue reading ‘Take your coat off or you won’t feel the benefit of it outside’ warns local woman
A Belfast man tragically passed away this evening while waiting for his girlfriend outside Primark in Belfast City Centre. Dom Bordman was found on a nearby public bench by shoppers who believed he was sleeping. The 35-yr-old passed away while waiting on his girlfriend who was queuing to get into Primark which reopened its doors … Continue reading Fourth man dies from boredom outside re-opened Primark
A Dundonald woman ordered 'the usual' from her local Chinese takeaway just minutes after arriving home from holiday, it has emerged. 37-yr-old Helen McMelter was barely through the front door when she instructed her partner Joe to 'ring la Chinkers'. Helen, who spent 10 days drinking in an Irish pub in Benidorm and ate … Continue reading Local woman orders a Chinese as soon as she’s home from holiday
A Dundonald woman has celebrated her child's first utterance of the word 'fuck' with an assortment of overpriced balloons, it has emerged. Helen McMelter ordered the helium-filled bags after hearing her 3-year-old daughter Shania drop the F bomb this morning. It's understood the toddler was refusing to get her hair brushed when the profanity was … Continue reading Local mum celebrates child’s first swear word with a balloon cluster
There has been a fall in the proportion of top GCSE grades awarded in Northern Ireland to children who were home-schooled by inebriated parents during the Covid-19 pandemic. GET TICKETS TO THE NEW DLA STAGE COMEDY IN THE MAC Experts believe they can link the fall to no child having sat a summer exam in … Continue reading Fall in GCSE grades for kids locked in house for 2yrs and home-schooled by pished parents
A Dundonald man has spent the entire day peeling his clammy scrotal sack off his inner thigh, it has emerged. Office worker Henry Halls made the shocking admission as temperatures continue to soar across the civil parish. 'Can't wait to get out of work and get a pair of shorts on', said Henry while craftily … Continue reading Dundonald man spends day peeling sweaty ball bag off inner thigh
Translink have bowed to public demand by announcing a new service dedicated exclusively to West Belfast. The new G-Unit service will link the Stewartstown Road, Andersonstown Road, Falls Road and Divis Street in the west and run alongside the existing G1 and G2 services. Bosses at the transport company unveiled the newly refurbished bus interior … Continue reading Glider launch new West Belfast bus service
Larry the cat has been appointed the new Secretary of State for Northern Ireland following the resignation of Brandon Lewis. It's understood the 15-year-old domestic cat fought off stiff competition for the role from Jacob Rees-Mogg's monocle and an overpriced tub of Lurpak. . The brown-and-white tabby is tasked with solving the power-sharing crisis at … Continue reading Larry the Cat appointed new Secretary of State for N. Ireland
A SEAGULL in his 20s has been shot in both wings in a "paramilitary-style" attack in Portavogie last night. Police are currently at the scene in the village. An ambulance service spokesman said: “We received the report this morning of a male seagull having been shot through the wings.” "We sent two crews to the … Continue reading Portavogie seagull winged for anti-social behaviour
A selfish bastard of a co-worker who contaminated a communal tub of butter with burnt toast crumbs has been the victim of a paramilitary-style punishment shooting. 41-year-old Dundonald woman Marge Jardine was dragged up an alleyway and shot in both legs after she defiled the office spread with her charred bread fragments. The mother-of-three was … Continue reading Co-worker who contaminated butter with their burnt toast crumbs kneecapped
Spanish police are investigating a reported sighting of a Northern Irish holidaymaker who wasn't wearing Celtic or Rangers shorts. The Policia Nacional in Alicante said they were called to Calle Gerona this morning after locals reported seeing a pasty ginger man wearing neither Glasgow Celtic or Rangers replica shorts. Every year, thousands of Northern Irish … Continue reading Spanish police investigate sighting of Northern Irish holidaymaker not wearing Celtic or Rangers shorts
GET DLA MERCH Translink announced they'll be temporarily reinstating the No.8 Ballybeen Estate bus as joint union strike action is set to shut down public bus services across Northern Ireland. Bosses confirmed they'd be restoring the much cherished service to minimize disruption for Ballybeen residents. 'We can confirm that the No.8 bus will return to … Continue reading Translink bosses will reinstate No.8 Ballybeen bus amid strike action
GET DLA MERCH The Ulster Hospital has declared a 'major incident' after several Dundonald women tested positive for Rihanna virus. A leading R&B physician at the Belfast Trust, Dr Dre, said the women are exhibiting symptoms of the virus which include a runny nose, love on the brain and slut dropping to bangers in the … Continue reading Dundonald women test positive for Rihanna virus
GET DLA MERCH Emergency were called to scene of an accident on the Craigantlet Hills this morning when the driver of a Smart Car collided with a rabbit. The animal walked away from the crash unscathed although the vehicle has been totally destroyed. A PSNI spokesman confirmed: ‘Motorists are advised that the road over Craigantlet … Continue reading Emergency services attend scene after Smart car collides with rabbit
PTA groups have rallied together in calling for a ban on election posters outside schools in all constituencies ahead of the local elections in May. The calls come after hundreds of primary school children complained about having ‘bad dreams’ about ‘lampposts with the ugly heads’ during previous election campaigns. Concerned parent and admin of a … Continue reading Call to ban election posters within 30ft of schools after spate of kid’s nightmares
Herds of wild Smicks were spotted at beauty spots across the province as temperatures soared to 17 degrees today. Every year, thousands of malnourished teenage boys 'whip their taps aff' and flock to country parks and conservation areas where they drink copious amounts of tonic wine and pish in the sea. Locals eagerly anticipate the … Continue reading Herds of bare-chested Smicks descend upon local beauty spots
GET DLA MERCH An angry mob confronted a man in the Dundonald area whom they believed to be a Predator. A video viewed thousands of times online shows the 'beast' facing accusations from a vigilante group. The 'Predator' was accused of arranging to meet a human decoy so that he might take their skull as … Continue reading Dundonald vigilante group confronts local ‘Predator’
GET DLA MERCH An irate Vladimir Putin rang into The Nolan Show this morning and got into a heated debate with presenter Stephen Nolan. The Russian president said he was 'pure raging' at how he'd been portrayed by the Western media and wanted to set the record straight. 'What about our community?', responded Putin, when … Continue reading Vladimir Putin phones into The Nolan Show
Fat fellas in ill-fitting rugby jerseys have been spotted in numerous bars across Belfast today, according to reports. The men, believed to be in their 30s & 40s, would be the type of dickheads who played for your school rugby team only older. Hundreds of the burly ball-bags were seen walking down Great Victoria Street … Continue reading Fat men in skin-tight rugby tops return to Belfast pubs
Get DLA Merch Organisers of Northern Ireland's summer riots have confirmed a move away from the traditional petrol bomb as their weapon of choice amid escalating fuel prices. Each year, thousands of people across the province participate in violent public disturbances which rumble on for several weeks. Petrol bombs have traditionally been the go-to murder … Continue reading Rioters will throw hand sanitiser bombs at police this summer amid rising fuel costs
Former UTV presenter Julian Simmons has strenuously denied allegations he has ever had links to, or worked for, the Russian government after leaked texts revealed he visited the Kremlin. In the wake if the allegations, TUV leader Jim Allister has called for sanctions to be imposed upon the long-serving continuity announcer. 'Grab his assets', Tweeted … Continue reading Julian Simmons denies close links to Kremlin as Ukraine crisis escalates
The garment is normally worn before getting dressed in the mornings and after getting undressed in the evenings.
GET DLA MERCH Protestants and Catholics in Northern Ireland took a break from their own ethno-nationalist squabble to argue about the Ukraine-Russia invasion. Russian forces have invaded Ukraine, with missile strikes and explosions reported near major cities and on its military infrastructure. Meanwhile, hundreds of Northern Irish people were desperately trying to discover which of … Continue reading Prods & Catholics rush out to buy Russian and Ukrainian ‘flegs’
GET DLA MERCH A fella on Facebook who proclaimed to be the world's foremost authority in the field of virology is now an expert on foreign policy, it has emerged. Despite not having the medical background to squeeze a pimple, Noah Tall spent the past 2-years offering his opinion about all things Covid-19 related on … Continue reading Facebook virologist suddenly a foreign affairs expert
There were emotional scenes this morning after a deaf man heard for the first time in 30-years. Dundonald man Joe McMelter lost his hearing as a child in an incident involving a cap gun. However, the 40-year-old was overcome with emotion when he was able to hear bin men emptying his recycling boxes this morning. … Continue reading Emotional scenes as deaf man hears his bin men
The PSNI has issued an urgent appeal for information to help them locate a Dundonald man’s ‘mokentroll’. Sam Sung of Culross Drive in Ballybeen Estate reported his ‘mokentroll’ missing after a frantic two-minute search this morning. Mr Sung told officers he was about to tune into House of Dragons when he realised the small infrared … Continue reading Dundonald man reports his ‘mokentroll’ missing to PSNI
The Dundonald Liberation Army 