Co-worker who contaminated butter with their burnt toast crumbs kneecapped

A selfish bastard of a co-worker who contaminated a communal tub of butter with burnt toast crumbs has been the victim of a paramilitary-style punishment shooting. 41-year-old Dundonald woman Marge Jardine was dragged up an alleyway and shot in both legs after she defiled the office spread with her charred bread fragments. The mother-of-three was … Continue reading Co-worker who contaminated butter with their burnt toast crumbs kneecapped

Spanish police investigate sighting of Northern Irish holidaymaker not wearing Celtic or Rangers shorts

Spanish police are investigating a reported sighting of a Northern Irish holidaymaker who wasn't wearing Celtic or Rangers shorts.  The Policia Nacional in Alicante said they were called to Calle Gerona this morning after locals reported seeing a pasty ginger man wearing neither Glasgow Celtic or Rangers replica shorts. Every year, thousands of Northern Irish … Continue reading Spanish police investigate sighting of Northern Irish holidaymaker not wearing Celtic or Rangers shorts

Translink bosses will reinstate No.8 Ballybeen bus amid strike action

GET DLA MERCH Translink announced they'll be temporarily reinstating the No.8 Ballybeen Estate bus as joint union strike action is set to shut down public bus services across Northern Ireland. Bosses confirmed they'd be restoring the much cherished service to minimize disruption for Ballybeen residents. 'We can confirm that the No.8 bus will return to … Continue reading Translink bosses will reinstate No.8 Ballybeen bus amid strike action

Dundonald women test positive for Rihanna virus

GET DLA MERCH The Ulster Hospital has declared a 'major incident' after several Dundonald women tested positive for Rihanna virus. A leading R&B physician at the Belfast Trust, Dr Dre, said the women are exhibiting symptoms of the virus which include a runny nose, love on the brain and slut dropping to bangers in the … Continue reading Dundonald women test positive for Rihanna virus

Emergency services attend scene after Smart car collides with rabbit

GET DLA MERCH Emergency were called to scene of an accident on the Craigantlet Hills this morning when the driver of a Smart Car collided with a rabbit. The animal walked away from the crash unscathed although the vehicle has been totally destroyed. A PSNI spokesman confirmed: ‘Motorists are advised that the road over Craigantlet … Continue reading Emergency services attend scene after Smart car collides with rabbit

Call to ban election posters within 30ft of schools after spate of kid’s nightmares

PTA groups have rallied together in calling for a ban on election posters outside schools in all constituencies ahead of the local elections in May. The calls come after hundreds of primary school children complained about having ‘bad dreams’ about ‘lampposts with the ugly heads’ during previous election campaigns. Concerned parent and admin of a … Continue reading Call to ban election posters within 30ft of schools after spate of kid’s nightmares

Herds of bare-chested Smicks descend upon local beauty spots

Herds of wild Smicks were spotted at beauty spots across the province as temperatures soared to 17 degrees today. Every year, thousands of malnourished teenage boys 'whip their taps aff' and flock to country parks and conservation areas where they drink copious amounts of tonic wine and pish in the sea. Locals eagerly anticipate the … Continue reading Herds of bare-chested Smicks descend upon local beauty spots

Dundonald vigilante group confronts local ‘Predator’

GET DLA MERCH An angry mob confronted a man in the Dundonald area whom they believed to be a Predator. A video viewed thousands of times online shows the 'beast' facing accusations from a vigilante group. The 'Predator' was accused of arranging to meet a human decoy so that he might take their skull as … Continue reading Dundonald vigilante group confronts local ‘Predator’

Vladimir Putin phones into The Nolan Show

GET DLA MERCH An irate Vladimir Putin rang into The Nolan Show this morning and got into a heated debate with presenter Stephen Nolan. The Russian president said he was 'pure raging' at how he'd been portrayed by the Western media and wanted to set the record straight. 'What about our community?', responded Putin, when … Continue reading Vladimir Putin phones into The Nolan Show

Dundonald grandfather forced into prostitution to pay gas bill

GET DLA MERCH An elderly Dundonald man has been forced into prostitution amid the rising costs of household utility bills, it has emerged. 79-year-old Roger D'Arcy has been offering sexual favours in exchange for cash since receiving his extortionate gas bill last week. Citing rising global energy costs and other lies, energy firms have increased … Continue reading Dundonald grandfather forced into prostitution to pay gas bill

Fat men in skin-tight rugby tops return to Belfast pubs

Fat fellas in ill-fitting rugby jerseys have been spotted in numerous bars across Belfast today, according to reports.  The men, believed to be in their 30s & 40s, would be the type of dickheads who played for your school rugby team only older. Hundreds of the burly ball-bags were seen walking down Great Victoria Street … Continue reading Fat men in skin-tight rugby tops return to Belfast pubs

Rioters will throw hand sanitiser bombs at police this summer amid rising fuel costs

Get DLA Merch Organisers of Northern Ireland's summer riots have confirmed a move away from the traditional petrol bomb as their weapon of choice amid escalating fuel prices. Each year, thousands of people across the province participate in violent public disturbances which rumble on for several weeks. Petrol bombs have traditionally been the go-to murder … Continue reading Rioters will throw hand sanitiser bombs at police this summer amid rising fuel costs

Julian Simmons denies close links to Kremlin as Ukraine crisis escalates

Former UTV presenter Julian Simmons has strenuously denied allegations he has ever had links to, or worked for, the Russian government after leaked texts revealed he visited the Kremlin. In the wake if the allegations, TUV leader Jim Allister has called for sanctions to be imposed upon the long-serving continuity announcer. 'Grab his assets', Tweeted … Continue reading Julian Simmons denies close links to Kremlin as Ukraine crisis escalates

Prods & Catholics rush out to buy Russian and Ukrainian ‘flegs’

GET DLA MERCH Protestants and Catholics in Northern Ireland took a break from their own ethno-nationalist squabble to argue about the Ukraine-Russia invasion. Russian forces have invaded Ukraine, with missile strikes and explosions reported near major cities and on its military infrastructure. Meanwhile, hundreds of Northern Irish people were desperately trying to discover which of … Continue reading Prods & Catholics rush out to buy Russian and Ukrainian ‘flegs’

Northern Ireland completely unprepared for 1cm of snowfall again

Northern Ireland has confirmed it's completely unprepared for the 1cm of snow which may settle for an hour or two before melting, it has emerged. The announcement comes even though it has snowed since records began. 'We regret to announce we have absolutely f*ck all provisions in place to deal with the snow which we’ve … Continue reading Northern Ireland completely unprepared for 1cm of snowfall again

Facebook virologist suddenly a foreign affairs expert

GET DLA MERCH A fella on Facebook who proclaimed to be the world's foremost authority in the field of virology is now an expert on foreign policy, it has emerged. Despite not having the medical background to squeeze a pimple, Noah Tall spent the past 2-years offering his opinion about all things Covid-19 related on … Continue reading Facebook virologist suddenly a foreign affairs expert

Belfast’s oldest Goth dies, 38

Belfast's oldest Goth has passed away this morning, according to reports. The 38-year-old's body was discovered by his elderly mother in the home they shared together. The PSNI are describing it as 'some sort of weird wanking thing gone tits up'. Marty 'Salem' Magee became heavily influenced by Nu-Metal music in his late-teens and spent … Continue reading Belfast’s oldest Goth dies, 38

Red weather warning as Storm Dudley blows Larne man off his sister

GET DLA MERCH A red weather warning has been issued after a Larne man was blown off his sister during the act of coitus. 42-year-old Drew Peacock claims he was 'giving his sister the ride' when a huge gust of wind sent him hurtling through the air. The father of 12 was found several hours … Continue reading Red weather warning as Storm Dudley blows Larne man off his sister

Dundonald man trapped underneath wife’s plastic bag collection

A Dundonald man almost suffocated this morning when he opened a kitchen cupboard and was trapped underneath an avalanche of plastic bags his wife had been hoarding. Big Geordie Morrisons (47) also suffered a broken fibula when he was almost crushed to death by a 'giant bag full of bags' which rolled over the top … Continue reading Dundonald man trapped underneath wife’s plastic bag collection

Optimistic Dundonald man trimming his finger nails ahead of Valentine’s Day

GET DLA MERCH A Dundonald man is clipping his finger nails in preparation for Valentine's Day, it has emerged. Eternal optimist Randy Buck was spotted leaving ASDA with a heavy duty stainless steel nail clipper ahead of his first Valentine's Day with his new girlfriend. The 31-year-old is hoping to finally reach third base and … Continue reading Optimistic Dundonald man trimming his finger nails ahead of Valentine’s Day

Hugo Duncan pulls music from Spotify amidst much rejoicing

GET A DLA T-SHIRT Northern Irish musician Hugo Duncan has posted a since-deleted letter to his management team and record label demanding that they remove his music from Spotify. The 71-year-old affectionately dubbed 'Uncle Hugo' by his nieces, nephews and most frequently, himself, is taking his music off the streaming juggernaut in protest over the … Continue reading Hugo Duncan pulls music from Spotify amidst much rejoicing

Notorious homewrecker Cotton Eye Joe dies from complications of syphilis, 81

GET A DLA T-SHIRT Legendary US lothario Cotton Eye Joe has passed away peacefully in a bed surrounded by hookers following a lengthy battle with syphilis at the age of 81. Joe was the subject of a famous song about a man with an STI who roamed the American deep south stealing people's girlfriends. The … Continue reading Notorious homewrecker Cotton Eye Joe dies from complications of syphilis, 81

Council euthanizes rabid pensioner who attacked beloved family pet Rottweiler

A pensioner is to be humanely destroyed following an 'unprovoked attack' on a beloved family pet, it has emerged. 78-year-old Sadie Savage was seized by the council this morning after a public outcry over the incident. Owners of the pet, a cute 11-stone Rottweiler called Satan, claim the dog was set upon by the grandmother … Continue reading Council euthanizes rabid pensioner who attacked beloved family pet Rottweiler

Dundonald man accused of having gutties which are scrappers pleads not guilty

Get DLA merch now! A Dundonald man has pleaded not guilty after being accused of possessing gutties which are scrappers. 32-year-old Andy Trainor has been charged with wearing Gola gutties in a public place on 19th June 2021. The stay-at-home-son denied the charges and advised the judge to 'shut the fuck up' because they were … Continue reading Dundonald man accused of having gutties which are scrappers pleads not guilty

Dundonald woman who put milk in cup of tea first shot in both legs

A Dundonald woman engaging in a controversial tea protocol has been the victim of a paramilitary-style shooting. Philippa Potts was dragged up an alleyway near her home and shot twice in both legs for pouring the milk in first when making a cup of tea. Graffiti reading ‘Dishwater drinkers will be shat!’ was daubed on … Continue reading Dundonald woman who put milk in cup of tea first shot in both legs

Recipient of world’s first genetically-modified pig heart transplant denies any adverse side effects

An American man who became the first person in the world to get a heart transplant from a genetically-modified pig has denied reports he may have experienced some adverse side effects. Percy Trotter, 57, underwent an experimental seven-hour procedure in Baltimore 3 days ago to have a transplant which doctors are hoping will save his … Continue reading Recipient of world’s first genetically-modified pig heart transplant denies any adverse side effects

Gay cake was called as witness in landmark European court case

The homosexual dessert at the centre of a legal row was called to testify in the European Court of Human Rights discrimination case this morning. The cake, real name Victor Sponge, was cross-examined by the lawyers representing both Ashers Bakery and Gay Rights activist Gareth Lee. The poor pudding broke down in tears while recounting … Continue reading Gay cake was called as witness in landmark European court case

Anti-vaxxers to do ’12 Kitchens of Christmas’ this year

GET A DLA T-SHIRT THIS XMAS Those refusing to participate in the Covid-19 vaccination programme are abandoning the traditional '12 Bars of Christmas' by organising a dozen festive piss-ups in each other's kitchens, it has emerged. Each year, thousands of the province's most dedicated piss-artists would engage in a mammoth day-long drinking session in twelve … Continue reading Anti-vaxxers to do ’12 Kitchens of Christmas’ this year

Dundonald man who stockpiled toilet roll hoping Omicron symptoms include explosive diarrhea

GET A DLA T-SHIRT THIS XMAS A Dundonald man who bought a ridiculously unnecessary amount of toilet paper at the beginning of the COVID-19 outbreak is 'hoping and praying' symptoms of the new Omicron variant include explosive diarrhea. 52-year-old Andy Rex, for reasons unbeknownst to man, began buying large quantities of loo roll throughout the … Continue reading Dundonald man who stockpiled toilet roll hoping Omicron symptoms include explosive diarrhea

Man who ordered side of beans at KFC given paramilitary-style punishment beating

GET A DLA T-SHIRT A Dundonald man who opted for a side of baked beans with his KFC meal instead of gravy has been the victim of a paramilitary-style punishment beating. Colin Sanders was dragged up an alleyway and beaten with baseball bats by three masked men after admitting to an anti-social drive-thru order. Graffiti … Continue reading Man who ordered side of beans at KFC given paramilitary-style punishment beating

Belfast man mistakenly joins Universal Dance Association

Get a DLA Xmas card A Belfast man hoping to join the ranks of a local paramilitary group inadvertently enrolled in a summer school for college and high school dancers in the United States. 20-year-old Billy Elliot had aspirations for a full-time career in Loyalism when he stumbled upon an internet ad offering places in … Continue reading Belfast man mistakenly joins Universal Dance Association

Bono visits Ballybeen survivors of Storm Barra

GET A DLA T-SHIRT THIS XMAS Rock saint Bono chartered a private jet to George Best Airport so that he could see first hand the devastation caused to Ballybeen by Storm Barra. Winds of up to 5mph swirled through the Estate yesterday, resulting in the destruction of countless garden gnomes, three patio chairs and a … Continue reading Bono visits Ballybeen survivors of Storm Barra

Falls Road shows solidarity with Carole Baskin after Tiger King 2 launch

A mural of animal rights activist Carole Baskin has appeared on the Falls Road following the release of Netflix true crime documentary series Tiger King 2. According to community representatives, residents painted the mural to show their solidarity with Baskin as she continues to face ongoing speculation she was involved in the disappearance of Don … Continue reading Falls Road shows solidarity with Carole Baskin after Tiger King 2 launch

PSNI alerted after possible Ugg Boot sighting in Cultra

Police in North Down are appealing for anyone who may have seen a peasant woman wearing hideous sheepskin boots, it has emerged. In a post on their Facebook page earlier today, the PSNI said: ‘At 11am Police received a report of what has been described as a hillbilly woman, most likely in receipt of government … Continue reading PSNI alerted after possible Ugg Boot sighting in Cultra

Fingering and fair-digging to resume in NI pubs & clubs Oct 31

GET DLA MERCH Northern Irish pastimes 'fingering' and 'fair-digging' will resume in pubs and clubs across the province with effect from October 31st. Stormont executive ministers met earlier for a fuck-off lunch at the tax-payer's behest during which the easing of coronavirus restrictions was briefly discussed. It was agreed somewhere between the 2nd and 3rd … Continue reading Fingering and fair-digging to resume in NI pubs & clubs Oct 31

Your ma still calling Ards Shopping Centre ‘Woolco’

Get DLA merch Your ma and all her friends are still referring to Ards Shopping Centre as 'Woolco', it has emerged. Despite the fact that the commercial premises was rebranded as Ards Shopping Centre during the late 90s, the women are refusing to acknowledge the change. Big Ethel from Ballybeen Estate told us, ‘Every Saturday … Continue reading Your ma still calling Ards Shopping Centre ‘Woolco’

Sea turtle ‘JC’ who refused Covid vaccine denied entry to Gran Canaria

A rare sea turtle flown by Aer Lingus to Gran Canria has been denied entry after it emerged he refused both Covid-19 vaccinations. The turtle, real name Julius Caesar or JC to his mates, is originally from Portaferry but was forced from the area several weeks ago by local paramilitaries for his involvement in robbing … Continue reading Sea turtle ‘JC’ who refused Covid vaccine denied entry to Gran Canaria

Not being Donald Trump not enough to be good President, study finds

GET DLA STUFF Not being Donald Trump is not enough to be a competent President of the United States, a recent study has revealed. Research shows that ousting a megalomaniac such as Trump and replacing him with someone you've plucked from a nursing home simply because he isn't Trump can have dire consequences. One test … Continue reading Not being Donald Trump not enough to be good President, study finds

Bangor Marina Live: What we know so far

Maaate, DLA jerseys WARNING: Some viewers with a pre-reg 2019 car might find these next scenes disturbing There were shocking scenes at Bangor Marina last night as two privileged twats compared the fruits of their parent's labour. Onlookers watched on in horror as one Bangor socialite ridiculed a rival prick's yacht. 'Maaaaate, maaaaaaaaaaaaaate, you live … Continue reading Bangor Marina Live: What we know so far

Facebook virologists also foreign affairs experts now

GET A DLA T-SHIRT YCY... A fella on Facebook proclaiming to be the world's foremost authority in the field of virology is also an expert on foreign policy, it has emerged. 31-year-old Noah Tall has spent the past 18 months offering his expert opinion about all things Covid-19 related on social media while working from … Continue reading Facebook virologists also foreign affairs experts now

Tom Jones beds Sandy Row granny who threw her Union Jack knickers at him in Benedicts

Get a DLA T-shirt Legendary lothario Tom Jones had sex with a Sandy Row woman after she threw her Union Jack underwear at him following his Custom House Square gig on Tuesday night. Wilma Dickfitt (69) was on a hen do with friends in Benedicts Hotel when she spotted the Welsh crooner downing Jägerbombs at … Continue reading Tom Jones beds Sandy Row granny who threw her Union Jack knickers at him in Benedicts

Absolute bastard has made a wee start on Christmas

Get a DLA t-shirt A 33-year-old Dundonald woman is getting on everyone’s tits by boasting that she’s ‘made a wee start on Christmas’. Smug Emma Kringle is looking forward to spending the next eight weeks lecturing those around her about how unorganised they are. The mother-of-two claims to be 'getting a few things in early', … Continue reading Absolute bastard has made a wee start on Christmas

Belfast set for first ever ‘Straight Pride’ this weekend

Northern Ireland's first ever 'Straight Pride' march will take place in Belfast this weekend. The inaugural parade will see Northern Ireland's oppressed heterosexual majority celebrate their 'straightness' after years of fighting to get the event off the ground. Organiser Ivor Biggins, told us: 'We hope the city comes together to celebrate the diversity, strength and … Continue reading Belfast set for first ever ‘Straight Pride’ this weekend

Man who bought last packet of burger baps suffers paramilitary-style attack

Get an Atsmeaffit Tee now! A man who bought the last remaining packed of burger baps at his local convenience has been the victim of a paramilitary-style assault. Sammy Seed was sent to the shops by his girlfriend to buy a six-pack of burger baps for a family barbeque when he was set upon by … Continue reading Man who bought last packet of burger baps suffers paramilitary-style attack

Confusion as ‘Troops Out Now’ graffiti sparks calls for night out with the boys

Get DLA merch now... There was confusion in Belfast yesterday as new graffiti had hundreds of men demanding a night out with the boys. ‘Troops Out Now’ was found painted on at wall near a busy junction and the message soon spread to scores of men claiming to be oppressed and in dire need of … Continue reading Confusion as ‘Troops Out Now’ graffiti sparks calls for night out with the boys

England charged with murdering Sweet Caroline

England has been charged with the brutal murder of Neil Diamond's 'Sweet Caroline' at Wembley Stadium last night. In what eyewitnesses claim was a sustained and vicious assault on the eardrums, 66,000 people belted out the 1969 classic while celebrating England's EURO 2020 semi-final victory over Denmark. Police were alerted by Northern Ireland supporters who … Continue reading England charged with murdering Sweet Caroline

NI bonfire sites unveil new ‘fanzones’ for Euro 2020 final

Get DLA merch now... Bonfire sites across the province have unveiled their new state of the art fanzones for Sunday's Euro 2020 final. Games will be screened on 50” Smart TVs which lucky organisers found lying in the middle of the road after they'd fallen off the back of a lorry. Fans can enjoy the … Continue reading NI bonfire sites unveil new ‘fanzones’ for Euro 2020 final

Emotional scenes at Lagan Bar as first holidaymaker in 6 months posts pic of Blue WKD to Facebook

Get DLA merch now... There were emotional scenes at Belfast International Airport's Lagan Bar this morning when the first holidaymaker in six long months uploaded a photo of a WKD Blue bottle to Facebook. Dundonald woman Helen McMelter announced she was jetting off on her jollies this morning by checking-in at the extortionately priced bar … Continue reading Emotional scenes at Lagan Bar as first holidaymaker in 6 months posts pic of Blue WKD to Facebook

Buses hijacked and set alight as Dundonald takeaways run out of salted chilli chicken

Vehicles were hijacked and torched in Dundonald last night after several Chinese takeaways ran out of salted chilli chicken. Masked men hijacked a bus and set it on fire, police said, in one of several incidents unfolding across the town during a night of unparalleled disorder. Trouble erupted in the civil parish after it emerged … Continue reading Buses hijacked and set alight as Dundonald takeaways run out of salted chilli chicken