Man seeking plausible Dry January exit strategy

A Dundonald man is actively searching for a credible excuse to end his miserable self-imposed drink embargo, it has emerged.

Stephen McGreedy, 37, decided to give up the booze for a month after friends and family subtly pointed out that ‘he’d completely ripped the hole out of it’ over the festive period.

However, seven days into sobriety, McGreedy has begun to question not only his decision but the very essence of his own existence.

‘Oh fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck this sideways’, sobbed McGreedy. ‘I can’t do this for another three weeks. There has to be a way out of it?’.

After scrolling through his Facebook account, the 37-year-old made a startling discovery.

‘I was hoping there’d be some unavoidable social event that would be swimming in glorious booze but there’s nothing. No stag dos, no weddings – not even a birthday. Not one fucker I know was born in January, what are the odds, eh?’

‘All I can pray for now is a death. Funerals are generally monumental piss ups. I’ll ring my ma and see how my aunt Ethel’s getting on. Heard they spotted something in her lung in November. She could be my ticket to an early bevvy’.

McGreedy’s voluntary exile from alcoholism had led him to makesome bold and semi-permanent life choices.

‘I just joined the gym there’, said McGreedy whilst sat on the sofa in his expensive new tracksuit eating a Pot Noodle.

‘The PT said I’ll be using a few machines tonight. Hopefully it’s the gamblies in the fucking bar’, he added.

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