Spanish police investigate sighting of Northern Irish holidaymaker not wearing Celtic or Rangers shorts

Spanish police are investigating a reported sighting of a Northern Irish holidaymaker who wasn't wearing Celtic or Rangers shorts.  The Policia Nacional in Alicante said they were called to Calle Gerona this morning after locals reported seeing a pasty ginger man wearing neither Glasgow Celtic or Rangers replica shorts. Every year, thousands of Northern Irish … Continue reading Spanish police investigate sighting of Northern Irish holidaymaker not wearing Celtic or Rangers shorts

‘More fucking thoughts and prayers?’ says Jesus checking emails

Jesus checked his emails this morning to find his inbox filled with another avalanche of thoughts and prayers. The 33-year-old Messiah has often been inundated with perfunctory prayers in the wake of every humanitarian crisis since the invent of social media. Now it would appear the son of God has had enough of his flock's … Continue reading ‘More fucking thoughts and prayers?’ says Jesus checking emails

Prods & Catholics rush out to buy Russian and Ukrainian ‘flegs’

GET DLA MERCH Protestants and Catholics in Northern Ireland took a break from their own ethno-nationalist squabble to argue about the Ukraine-Russia invasion. Russian forces have invaded Ukraine, with missile strikes and explosions reported near major cities and on its military infrastructure. Meanwhile, hundreds of Northern Irish people were desperately trying to discover which of … Continue reading Prods & Catholics rush out to buy Russian and Ukrainian ‘flegs’

Facebook virologist suddenly a foreign affairs expert

GET DLA MERCH A fella on Facebook who proclaimed to be the world's foremost authority in the field of virology is now an expert on foreign policy, it has emerged. Despite not having the medical background to squeeze a pimple, Noah Tall spent the past 2-years offering his opinion about all things Covid-19 related on … Continue reading Facebook virologist suddenly a foreign affairs expert

Recipient of world’s first genetically-modified pig heart transplant denies any adverse side effects

An American man who became the first person in the world to get a heart transplant from a genetically-modified pig has denied reports he may have experienced some adverse side effects. Percy Trotter, 57, underwent an experimental seven-hour procedure in Baltimore 3 days ago to have a transplant which doctors are hoping will save his … Continue reading Recipient of world’s first genetically-modified pig heart transplant denies any adverse side effects

Sea turtle ‘JC’ who refused Covid vaccine denied entry to Gran Canaria

A rare sea turtle flown by Aer Lingus to Gran Canria has been denied entry after it emerged he refused both Covid-19 vaccinations. The turtle, real name Julius Caesar or JC to his mates, is originally from Portaferry but was forced from the area several weeks ago by local paramilitaries for his involvement in robbing … Continue reading Sea turtle ‘JC’ who refused Covid vaccine denied entry to Gran Canaria

Not being Donald Trump not enough to be good President, study finds

GET DLA STUFF Not being Donald Trump is not enough to be a competent President of the United States, a recent study has revealed. Research shows that ousting a megalomaniac such as Trump and replacing him with someone you've plucked from a nursing home simply because he isn't Trump can have dire consequences. One test … Continue reading Not being Donald Trump not enough to be good President, study finds

Facebook virologists also foreign affairs experts now

GET A DLA T-SHIRT YCY... A fella on Facebook proclaiming to be the world's foremost authority in the field of virology is also an expert on foreign policy, it has emerged. 31-year-old Noah Tall has spent the past 18 months offering his expert opinion about all things Covid-19 related on social media while working from … Continue reading Facebook virologists also foreign affairs experts now

Portadown man becomes first Prod in space

Get DLA merch now A Portadown became the first Prod to travel into space yesterday following a successful mission. Local 'space cadet' Woody Burns reached a maximum altitude of 187 miles whilst aboard a stack of pallets. The Loyalist cosmonaut reached his destination with the aid of a powerful rocket which he smoked shortly before … Continue reading Portadown man becomes first Prod in space

Outrage as Syrian hamster given cage before local hamster

A family of Syrian hamsters will be moving into a brand new cage in a local pet shop after the proprietor could not find any local hamsters to give it to. But many pets in the store have reacted with outrage that a refugee family will receive the property rather than animals from Belfast. Some … Continue reading Outrage as Syrian hamster given cage before local hamster