‘Put that back, it’s fer Christmas’, says Dundonald woman

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A Dundonald woman is dishing out repeated bollockings over her family’s attempts to eat treats reserved for Jesus’ birthday bash.

Every December without fail, Helen McMelter packs her fridge to capacity with festive foods.

And each year Helen’s husband Joe sneaks a peak at the delicious bounty only to be told – ‘Here you, put it back, it’s for Chris’muss!’.

It was only two years ago that Helen put Joe in hospital when tried to pinch an After Eight before the Yuletide celebration.

Joe told us: ‘I was looking for something to have with a wee cuppa tea and ya never see those delicious wafer thin chocolate mints in the house apart from at Christmas’.

‘There’s about 90 of them in a bax but she still brained me with a f**king rolling pin’.

Last year her son, Noel (7), was threatened with an ‘beg of ashes’ unless he stopped asking for a glass of Shloer.

Noel explained: ‘It’s the same story every year. We’re all eating fish finger sandwiches for a week whilst the fridge is bunged with grub fit for a King’s banquet’.

‘Then on Christmas Day, the food that’s thrown out could nourish a small African tribe for a month’.

‘Then we hear her old war cry ‘I’m nat buying as much next Christmas, luk at the waste, it’s a sin’ – only for the silly bitch to buy the same amount the following year’.

‘And why did she buy a 3kg bag of sprouts when she’s the only one who eats them? Did Jesus even eat sprouts?’.

Big Helen defended herself by saying: ‘You’d swear some of them had never seen food before. I’ve had to put a f**king energy saving light bulb in the fridge’.


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