Man who ordered side of beans at KFC given paramilitary-style punishment beating

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A Dundonald man who opted for a side of baked beans with his KFC meal instead of gravy has been the victim of a paramilitary-style punishment beating.

Colin Sanders was dragged up an alleyway and beaten with baseball bats by three masked men after admitting to an anti-social drive-thru order.

Graffiti claiming ‘Beans means baitins’ was daubed on wall close to where the attack took place.

The 40-year-old was stumbled upon by a dog walker and rushed to the Ulster Hospital’s Specialist Drama Unit where he underwent a complicated 4-hour procedure to have a small tub of baked beans surgically removed from his rectum.

Dr Steph O’Scope who carried out the procedure told us: ‘Although there will be some permanent scarring, we managed to remove around 90% of the baked beans from Mr Sanders’ hole’.

Speaking from his hospital bed, Colin said: ‘I don’t like the gravy. It’s just congealed chicken fat with some herbs and fucking spices dumped in it’.

A group calling itself the Dundonald Liberation Army claimed responsibility for the attack.

A statement on behalf of the group read: ‘Anyone found to be engaging in behaviour such as ordering beans instead of chicken gravy will be shat’.

‘The same applies to any sicko who orders a Fillet-O-Fish at McDonalds’.

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