A Dundonald man who opted for a side of baked beans with his KFC meal instead of gravy has been the victim of a paramilitary-style punishment beating.
Colin Sanders was dragged up an alleyway and beaten with baseball bats by three masked men after admitting to an anti-social drive-thru order.
Graffiti claiming ‘Beans means batens’ was daubed on wall close to where the attack took place.
The 40-year-old was stumbled upon by a dog walker and rushed to the Ulster Hospital’s Specialist Drama Unit where he underwent a complicated 4-hour procedure to have a small tub of baked beans surgically removed from his rectum.
Dr Steph O’Scope who carried out the procedure told us: ‘Although he suffered 3rd degree burns of the rectum, we managed to remove around 90% of the baked beans from Mr Sanders’ hole’.
Speaking from his hospital bed, Colin said: ‘I don’t like the gravy. It’s just congealed chicken fat with some herbs and spices dumped in it’.
‘I told the men baten me that I loved beans and even had them with my fry. But that only made them bate me harder’.
A group calling itself the Dundonald Liberation Army claimed responsibility for the attack.
A statement on behalf of the group read: ‘Anyone found to be ordering them there watery beans instead of that there chicken gravy will be shat upon’.
‘The same applies to any fucking weirdo who orders a Fillet-O-Fish at McDonalds’.
The Dundonald Liberation Army 