Cool Runnings 2 begins production in Dundonald this morning

A sequel to 90s smash hit comedy 'Cool Runnings' started production in the Co Down town of Dundonald this morning.  The reboot welcomes back original cast members Doug E. Doug, Rawle D. Lewis, Malik Yoba, although John Candy refused to reprise his role on the grounds of poor health. Principal photography began in Dundonald village …

Dundonald fella takes up smoking in bid to quit vaping

A Dundonald man has started smoking tobacco cigarettes in a desperate bid to wean himself off nicotine vapour, it has emerged.  Dave ‘Dopey’ Stewart inadvertently became addicted to nicotine when he started vaping a couple of years ago. Dopey, a non-smoker to begin with, started vaping because ‘all his mates were doing it’. Through time …

‘Put that back, it’s fer Christmas’, says Dundonald woman

A Dundonald woman is dishing out repeated bollockings over her family's attempts to eat treats reserved for Jesus' birthday bash. Every December without fail, Helen McMelter packs her fridge to capacity with festive foods. And each year Helen's husband Joe sneaks a peak at the delicious bounty only to be told - 'Here you, put …

Local martyr doesn’t want anything for Xmas again

A Dundonald woman has maintained her annual tradition of being absolutely f**k all help when it comes to choosing her a Christmas gift, it has emerged. Every year, Kristina Kringle's children fail in the numerous attempts to wheedle a suitable gift suggestion her. The 60-yr-old mother-of-three will fob her children off with lines such as: …

Absolute bastard puts her Christmas tree up

  A massive dickhead has put her Christmas tree up, it has emerged. Christine Kringle from East Belfast forced her husband (Nick) to fetch the tree from the loft before he went to work this morning. The irritatingly cheerful woman then spent the morning turning her living room into ‘some sort of fucking winter wonderland’ …

‘Take your coat off or you won’t feel the benefit of it outside’ warns local woman

Get tickets to the brand new and final DLA stage comedy at the Grand Opera House 13-17 June 2023 A Dundonald woman is warning people about the dangers of wearing coats indoors, it has emerged. As temperatures continue to plummet across the province, Helen McMelter is concerned people won’t experience the full benefits of a …

Fourth man dies from boredom outside re-opened Primark

A Belfast man tragically passed away this evening while waiting for his girlfriend outside Primark in Belfast City Centre. Dom Bordman was found on a nearby public bench by shoppers who believed he was sleeping. The 35-yr-old passed away while waiting on his girlfriend who was queuing to get into Primark which reopened its doors …

Local woman orders a Chinese as soon as she’s home from holiday

  A Dundonald woman ordered 'the usual' from her local Chinese takeaway just minutes after arriving home from holiday, it has emerged. 37-yr-old Helen McMelter was barely through the front door when she instructed her partner Joe to 'ring la Chinkers'. Helen, who spent 10 days drinking in an Irish pub in Benidorm and ate …

Local mum celebrates child’s first swear word with a balloon cluster

A Dundonald woman has celebrated her child's first utterance of the word 'fuck' with an assortment of overpriced balloons, it has emerged. Helen McMelter ordered the helium-filled bags after hearing her 3-year-old daughter Shania drop the F bomb this morning. It's understood the toddler was refusing to get her hair brushed when the profanity was …

Fall in GCSE grades for kids locked in house for 2yrs and home-schooled by pished parents

There has been a fall in the proportion of top GCSE grades awarded in Northern Ireland to children who were home-schooled by inebriated parents during the Covid-19 pandemic. GET TICKETS TO THE NEW DLA STAGE COMEDY IN THE MAC Experts believe they can link the fall to no child having sat a summer exam in …