Dundonald grandfather forced into prostitution to pay gas bill

GET DLA MERCH An elderly Dundonald man has been forced into prostitution amid the rising costs of household utility bills, it has emerged. 79-year-old Roger D'Arcy has been offering sexual favours in exchange for cash since receiving his extortionate gas bill last week. Citing rising global energy costs and other lies, energy firms have increased … Continue reading Dundonald grandfather forced into prostitution to pay gas bill

Fat men in skin-tight rugby tops return to Belfast pubs

Fat fellas in ill-fitting rugby jerseys have been spotted in numerous bars across Belfast today, according to reports.  The men, believed to be in their 30s & 40s, would be the type of dickheads who played for your school rugby team only older. Hundreds of the burly ball-bags were seen walking down Great Victoria Street … Continue reading Fat men in skin-tight rugby tops return to Belfast pubs

Rioters will throw hand sanitiser bombs at police this summer amid rising fuel costs

Get DLA Merch Organisers of Northern Ireland's summer riots have confirmed a move away from the traditional petrol bomb as their weapon of choice amid escalating fuel prices. Each year, thousands of people across the province participate in violent public disturbances which rumble on for several weeks. Petrol bombs have traditionally been the go-to murder … Continue reading Rioters will throw hand sanitiser bombs at police this summer amid rising fuel costs

Julian Simmons denies close links to Kremlin as Ukraine crisis escalates

Former UTV presenter Julian Simmons has strenuously denied allegations he has ever had links to, or worked for, the Russian government after leaked texts revealed he visited the Kremlin. In the wake if the allegations, TUV leader Jim Allister has called for sanctions to be imposed upon the long-serving continuity announcer. 'Grab his assets', Tweeted … Continue reading Julian Simmons denies close links to Kremlin as Ukraine crisis escalates

‘More fucking thoughts and prayers?’ says Jesus checking emails

Jesus checked his emails this morning to find his inbox filled with another avalanche of thoughts and prayers. The 33-year-old Messiah has often been inundated with perfunctory prayers in the wake of every humanitarian crisis since the invent of social media. Now it would appear the son of God has had enough of his flock's … Continue reading ‘More fucking thoughts and prayers?’ says Jesus checking emails

Prods & Catholics rush out to buy Russian and Ukrainian ‘flegs’

GET DLA MERCH Protestants and Catholics in Northern Ireland took a break from their own ethno-nationalist squabble to argue about the Ukraine-Russia invasion. Russian forces have invaded Ukraine, with missile strikes and explosions reported near major cities and on its military infrastructure. Meanwhile, hundreds of Northern Irish people were desperately trying to discover which of … Continue reading Prods & Catholics rush out to buy Russian and Ukrainian ‘flegs’

Northern Ireland completely unprepared for 1cm of snowfall again

Northern Ireland has confirmed it's completely unprepared for the 1cm of snow which may settle for an hour or two before melting, it has emerged. The announcement comes even though it has snowed since records began. 'We regret to announce we have absolutely f*ck all provisions in place to deal with the snow which we’ve … Continue reading Northern Ireland completely unprepared for 1cm of snowfall again

Facebook virologist suddenly a foreign affairs expert

GET DLA MERCH A fella on Facebook who proclaimed to be the world's foremost authority in the field of virology is now an expert on foreign policy, it has emerged. Despite not having the medical background to squeeze a pimple, Noah Tall spent the past 2-years offering his opinion about all things Covid-19 related on … Continue reading Facebook virologist suddenly a foreign affairs expert

Belfast’s oldest Goth dies, 38

Belfast's oldest Goth has passed away this morning, according to reports. The 38-year-old's body was discovered by his elderly mother in the home they shared together. The PSNI are describing it as 'some sort of weird wanking thing gone tits up'. Marty 'Salem' Magee became heavily influenced by Nu-Metal music in his late-teens and spent … Continue reading Belfast’s oldest Goth dies, 38