Larry the Cat appointed new Secretary of State for N. Ireland

Larry the cat has been appointed the new Secretary of State for Northern Ireland following the resignation of Brandon Lewis. It's understood the 15-year-old domestic cat fought off stiff competition for the role from Jacob Rees-Mogg's monocle and an overpriced tub of Lurpak. . The brown-and-white tabby is tasked with solving the power-sharing crisis at … Continue reading Larry the Cat appointed new Secretary of State for N. Ireland

Portavogie seagull winged for anti-social behaviour

A SEAGULL in his 20s has been shot in both wings in a "paramilitary-style" attack in Portavogie last night. Police are currently at the scene in the village. An ambulance service spokesman said: “We received the report this morning of a male seagull having been shot through the wings.” "We sent two crews to the … Continue reading Portavogie seagull winged for anti-social behaviour

Co-worker who contaminated butter with their burnt toast crumbs kneecapped

A selfish bastard of a co-worker who contaminated a communal tub of butter with burnt toast crumbs has been the victim of a paramilitary-style punishment shooting. 41-year-old Dundonald woman Marge Jardine was dragged up an alleyway and shot in both legs after she defiled the office spread with her charred bread fragments. The mother-of-three was … Continue reading Co-worker who contaminated butter with their burnt toast crumbs kneecapped

Spanish police investigate sighting of Northern Irish holidaymaker not wearing Celtic or Rangers shorts

Spanish police are investigating a reported sighting of a Northern Irish holidaymaker who wasn't wearing Celtic or Rangers shorts.  The Policia Nacional in Alicante said they were called to Calle Gerona this morning after locals reported seeing a pasty ginger man wearing neither Glasgow Celtic or Rangers replica shorts. Every year, thousands of Northern Irish … Continue reading Spanish police investigate sighting of Northern Irish holidaymaker not wearing Celtic or Rangers shorts

Translink bosses will reinstate No.8 Ballybeen bus amid strike action

GET DLA MERCH Translink announced they'll be temporarily reinstating the No.8 Ballybeen Estate bus as joint union strike action is set to shut down public bus services across Northern Ireland. Bosses confirmed they'd be restoring the much cherished service to minimize disruption for Ballybeen residents. 'We can confirm that the No.8 bus will return to … Continue reading Translink bosses will reinstate No.8 Ballybeen bus amid strike action

Dundonald women test positive for Rihanna virus

GET DLA MERCH The Ulster Hospital has declared a 'major incident' after several Dundonald women tested positive for Rihanna virus. A leading R&B physician at the Belfast Trust, Dr Dre, said the women are exhibiting symptoms of the virus which include a runny nose, love on the brain and slut dropping to bangers in the … Continue reading Dundonald women test positive for Rihanna virus

Buses hijacked and set alight as Dundonald takeaways run out of salted chilli chicken

Vehicles were hijacked and torched in Dundonald last night after several Chinese takeaways ran out of salted chilli chicken. Masked men hijacked a bus and set it on fire, police said, in one of several incidents unfolding across the town during a night of unparalleled disorder. Trouble erupted in the civil parish after it emerged … Continue reading Buses hijacked and set alight as Dundonald takeaways run out of salted chilli chicken

Emergency services attend scene after Smart car collides with rabbit

GET DLA MERCH Emergency were called to scene of an accident on the Craigantlet Hills this morning when the driver of a Smart Car collided with a rabbit. The animal walked away from the crash unscathed although the vehicle has been totally destroyed. A PSNI spokesman confirmed: ‘Motorists are advised that the road over Craigantlet … Continue reading Emergency services attend scene after Smart car collides with rabbit

Call to ban election posters within 30ft of schools after spate of kid’s nightmares

PTA groups have rallied together in calling for a ban on election posters outside schools in all constituencies ahead of the local elections in May. The calls come after hundreds of primary school children complained about having ‘bad dreams’ about ‘lampposts with the ugly heads’ during previous election campaigns. Concerned parent and admin of a … Continue reading Call to ban election posters within 30ft of schools after spate of kid’s nightmares

Herds of bare-chested Smicks descend upon local beauty spots

Herds of wild Smicks were spotted at beauty spots across the province as temperatures soared to 17 degrees today. Every year, thousands of malnourished teenage boys 'whip their taps aff' and flock to country parks and conservation areas where they drink copious amounts of tonic wine and pish in the sea. Locals eagerly anticipate the … Continue reading Herds of bare-chested Smicks descend upon local beauty spots