Outrage as Syrian hamster given cage before local hamster

A family of Syrian hamsters will be moving into a brand new cage in a local pet shop after the proprietor could not find any local hamsters to give it to. But many pets in the store have reacted with outrage that a refugee family will receive the property rather than animals from Belfast. Some …

Trump going off Twitter for a while

Get a DLA face mask from Norn Iron Tees Donald Trump announced he’s taking a break from Twitter following a minor coup at Capitol Hill. In a tweet to his near 89 million Twitter followers this morning, the 45th President of the United States said: ‘Deleting this thing for a while. Too many people carrying …

Man’s testicles explode after using Original Source shower gel

A Dundonald man was rushed to the Ulster Hospital after lathering his genitals in Mint & Tea Tree Original Source shower gel, it has emerged. Joe McMelter (37) suffered life-changing injuries when his testicles spontaneously combusted upon applying the product. Speaking like a choir boy from his hospital bed, Joe recalled the precise moment he …

Boris Johnson swings by Dundonald Ice Bowl during NI Visit

Boris Johnson dropped by Dundonald's International Ice Bowl this morning as the new PM took a break from talks with Stormont's political leaders and Taoiseach Micheál Martin. The Tory leader arrived at the popular facility around 9am this morning and headed straight for the arcades while an aide paid for their bookings at reception. Eyewitnesses …

Emotional scenes as deaf man hears his bin men

There were emotional scenes this morning after a deaf man heard for the first time in 30-years. Dundonald man Joe McMelter lost his hearing as a child in an incident involving a cap gun. However, the 40-year-old was overcome with emotion when he was able to hear bin men emptying his recycling boxes this morning. …

Facebook medical expert recommends everybody lose their sh*t over Covid-19

A self-certified Facebook medical expert is recommending everybody should start losing their shit over Covid-19, it has emerged. Helen McMelter, who wouldn't have the medical background to squeeze a pimple, took to social media this morning to spread fear and panic among those who believe everything they read on Facebook. The mother-of-two, regarded as a …

UK one more Coronavirus case away from Bono & Geldof aid song

The UK is just one more confirmed Coronavirus case away from Bono & Bob Geldof releasing a single, it has emerged. With the total number of Covid-19 cases across the United Kingdom standing at 87, the sanctimonious pop-duo have decided to end the virus using the power of song. Bono, who's worth $600m and moved …

First reported case of Coronavirus in NI turns out to be a hangover

The first reported case of the Coronavirus in Northern Ireland has been exposed as nothing more than a common hangover by the alleged victim's wife. Joe McMelter (31) was placed in a special isolation unit in the Ulster Hospital yesterday after claiming he'd been struck down by the deadly virus. However, these claims have been …

Facebook Becomes House of Commons

Thousands of people logged onto social media this morning to discover that all of their friends have become political and economic experts. People woke up to the shocking news that the Conservatives had won a landslide victory, even though the media (who very rarely get anything wrong - except for the last general elections result, …

Ballysallagh footbridge enters Guinness Book of Records as world’s most crashed into pointless stone structure

A delegation from the Guinness Book of Records descended upon County Down after it emerged the Ballysallagh Road footbridge had been struck by another f**king lorry.  Commuters approached the bridge this morning to discover it had a large, heavy motor vehicle lodged underneath it for the 31,025th day in a row. This is in spite …