Dundonald school food parcels to include sweetie fegs and Shandy Bass

Don't get chased by Nolan, get a DLA mask today Food packages sent to children in Dundonald who qualify for free school meals and are remote learning because of the national lockdown will contain 'sweetie fegs' and shandy, it has emerged. Stormont MLAs are worried that unless exposed to low alcohol shandy drinks and ‘sweetie … Continue reading Dundonald school food parcels to include sweetie fegs and Shandy Bass

Nicole Kidman offered flat in Carnet House

Get a DLA bake mask Nicole Kidman has been offered a flat in Carnet House after confessing she fell in love with Belfast while filming here. Nicole and her four children are currently staying in a Belfast Holiday Inn whilst her application for a new dwelling is being processed by the Housing Executive. The actress … Continue reading Nicole Kidman offered flat in Carnet House

Dundonald women airlifted to safety from summit of Moat Hill

Avoid a telling off from Nolan and get a DLA face mask today! A group of women in see-through leggings have been rescued while ascending a man-made hill in Dundonald. The earthy mound, commonly referred to as 'The Moat', was once the site of a 12th century fort but since 1972 has been a popular … Continue reading Dundonald women airlifted to safety from summit of Moat Hill

Violumpet Man releasing Christmas album

Keep Nolan at bay with a DLA face mask A Belfast busker dubbed 'The Violumpet Man ' is releasing a new album just in time for Christmas, according to reports.  The Transylvanian Tchaikovsky revealed that all tracks on the album will be covers of Christmas classics and featuring his trademark Stroh violin. Over the past … Continue reading Violumpet Man releasing Christmas album

BREAKING: Herd of wild Karens spotted rampaging through Belfast

A herd of wild Karens have been spotted rampaging through Belfast. It’s understood the Karens went berserk after one of the pack was refused her right to speak to the manager of a city centre convenience store. The incident is believed to have occurred around 1500BST when one Karen was denied entry to a shop … Continue reading BREAKING: Herd of wild Karens spotted rampaging through Belfast

NI bracing itself for second wave of bog roll stashing bell-ends

Northern Ireland must prepare itself for a second wave of panic-buying, stockpiling, selfish fuckwits, experts have warned. After Stormont announced their daily contradictory nonsensical list of COVID-19 restrictions, the same fleet of arseholes who emptied supermarket shelves in March and April drew up plans for a second raid. Although it was hoped people would realize … Continue reading NI bracing itself for second wave of bog roll stashing bell-ends

9 out of 10 kids concerned about how much time their adult spends making a dick of themselves online

A new study has revealed that 9 out of 10 children are concerned about their parent's screentime - especially parents making a dick of themselves in Facebook groups. Researchers found that adults are spending on average 6 hours-per-day rowing online with strangers. Concerned children are eager to limit their parent's screentime in order to minimize … Continue reading 9 out of 10 kids concerned about how much time their adult spends making a dick of themselves online

Study finds putting your child to bed at 8pm night before school re-start after 5 months of staying up til 12pm ‘fucking pointless’

A groundbreaking new study compiled by Dundonald Looniversity has found that children who've spent the past 5 months sitting up til 12pm are refusing to sleep at 8pm now. 100 test subjects experienced a 0% success rate while forcing a wide awake child to sleep the night before they re-started school. The findings were in … Continue reading Study finds putting your child to bed at 8pm night before school re-start after 5 months of staying up til 12pm ‘fucking pointless’

188 Bus Driver Awarded Victoria Cross

The heroic driver of the 188 school bus during the 1990s is set to be awarded a Victoria Cross for gallantry ‘in the face of despicable adolescence’, it has emerged. The former Translink employee will be presented with the military decoration by Queen Elizabeth II, as the Red Arrows perform an aerobatic display overhead in … Continue reading 188 Bus Driver Awarded Victoria Cross