Dundonald grandfather forced into prostitution to pay gas bill

GET DLA MERCH An elderly Dundonald man has been forced into prostitution amid the rising costs of household utility bills, it has emerged. 79-year-old Roger D'Arcy has been offering sexual favours in exchange for cash since receiving his extortionate gas bill last week. Citing rising global energy costs and other lies, energy firms have increased … Continue reading Dundonald grandfather forced into prostitution to pay gas bill

Julian Simmons denies close links to Kremlin as Ukraine crisis escalates

Former UTV presenter Julian Simmons has strenuously denied allegations he has ever had links to, or worked for, the Russian government after leaked texts revealed he visited the Kremlin. In the wake if the allegations, TUV leader Jim Allister has called for sanctions to be imposed upon the long-serving continuity announcer. 'Grab his assets', Tweeted … Continue reading Julian Simmons denies close links to Kremlin as Ukraine crisis escalates

Belfast set for first ever ‘Straight Pride’ this weekend

Northern Ireland's first ever 'Straight Pride' march will take place in Belfast this weekend. The inaugural parade will see Northern Ireland's oppressed heterosexual majority celebrate their 'straightness' after years of fighting to get the event off the ground. Organiser Ivor Biggins, told us: 'We hope the city comes together to celebrate the diversity, strength and … Continue reading Belfast set for first ever ‘Straight Pride’ this weekend

Court pardons woman who suffocated her snoring husband

A Dundonald woman walked free from court this morning after suffocating her snoring husband, it has emerged. Kate Suffolk (42), who plead not guilty in Newtownards Magistrates Court this morning, wept as the judge read out the not guilty verdict. Before proceedings began, Mrs Suffolk told assembled journalists her defence was confident of securing a … Continue reading Court pardons woman who suffocated her snoring husband

Investigation launched after holidaymakers skip Lagan Bar Facebook check-in

An investigation is underway at Belfast International Airport after a couple of holidaymakers failed to check themselves in at the Lagan Bar using Facebook. The couple (who cannot be named for legal reasons) were taken to an on-site custody suite by airport security staff and questioned about the incident. One eyewitness in the Lagan Bar … Continue reading Investigation launched after holidaymakers skip Lagan Bar Facebook check-in

Shaggy strenuously denies cheating with next door neighbour

Jamaican popstar Shaggy has strenuously denied claims he made sexual advances toward the girl next door, it has emerged. Despite a mountain of incriminating evidence, including being rumbled mid-act by his girlfriend, the 50-year-old released a statement denying that he was ‘caught red-handed’ while riding the life clean out of his neighbour. In a brief … Continue reading Shaggy strenuously denies cheating with next door neighbour

‘Don’t f**king touch it, you’ll ruin it ya ballix ye’, kids told.

Children across Northern Ireland are looking forward to another year of watching their parents carve elaborate designs into pumpkins, it has emerged. The age-old Halloween tradition of pumpkin carving has taken on a life of its own by becoming some sort of online cock-measuring contest now associated with bonfire building. These days, ultra-competitive arse-holes enjoy … Continue reading ‘Don’t f**king touch it, you’ll ruin it ya ballix ye’, kids told.

Man badly wounded after heading old football

A Dundonald man lost an eye whilst attempting to head an old leather football, it has emerged. The 35-year-old father-of-two got involved in a ‘kickabout’ between local kids outside his home when the incident occurred. Davy Blinker was raced to the Ulster Hospital where medics tried desperately to save his sight but unfortunately the damage … Continue reading Man badly wounded after heading old football