Local mum celebrates child’s first swear word with a balloon cluster

A Dundonald woman has celebrated her child's first utterance of the word 'fuck' with an assortment of overpriced balloons, it has emerged. Helen McMelter ordered the helium-filled bags after hearing her 3-year-old daughter Shania drop the F bomb this morning. It's understood the toddler was refusing to get her hair brushed when the profanity was … Continue reading Local mum celebrates child’s first swear word with a balloon cluster

Fall in GCSE grades for kids locked in house for 2yrs and home-schooled by pished parents

There has been a fall in the proportion of top GCSE grades awarded in Northern Ireland to children who were home-schooled by inebriated parents during the Covid-19 pandemic. GET TICKETS TO THE NEW DLA STAGE COMEDY IN THE MAC Experts believe they can link the fall to no child having sat a summer exam in … Continue reading Fall in GCSE grades for kids locked in house for 2yrs and home-schooled by pished parents

July and August to be renamed Usuns-tember and Themuns-tober in NI from 2023

GET TICKETS FOR THE NEW DLA SHOW IN THE MAC The months of July and August are set to be renamed exclusively in Northern Ireland, it has emerged. Effective 2023, July will become Usuns-tember and August Themuns-tober – with these prefixes being interchangeable depending on which ethnopolitical group you identify with. The move comes after … Continue reading July and August to be renamed Usuns-tember and Themuns-tober in NI from 2023

Dundonald man spends day peeling sweaty ball bag off inner thigh

A Dundonald man has spent the entire day peeling his clammy scrotal sack off his inner thigh, it has emerged. Office worker Henry Halls made the shocking admission as temperatures continue to soar across the civil parish. 'Can't wait to get out of work and get a pair of shorts on', said Henry while craftily … Continue reading Dundonald man spends day peeling sweaty ball bag off inner thigh

Glider launch new West Belfast bus service

Translink have bowed to public demand by announcing a new service dedicated exclusively to West Belfast. The new G-Unit service will link the Stewartstown Road, Andersonstown Road, Falls Road and Divis Street in the west and run alongside the existing G1 and G2 services. Bosses at the transport company unveiled the newly refurbished bus interior … Continue reading Glider launch new West Belfast bus service

Larry the Cat appointed new Secretary of State for N. Ireland

Larry the cat has been appointed the new Secretary of State for Northern Ireland following the resignation of Brandon Lewis. It's understood the 15-year-old domestic cat fought off stiff competition for the role from Jacob Rees-Mogg's monocle and an overpriced tub of Lurpak. . The brown-and-white tabby is tasked with solving the power-sharing crisis at … Continue reading Larry the Cat appointed new Secretary of State for N. Ireland

Dundonald grandfather forced into prostitution to pay gas bill

GET DLA MERCH An elderly Dundonald man has been forced into prostitution amid the rising costs of household utility bills, it has emerged. 79-year-old Roger D'Arcy has been offering sexual favours in exchange for cash since receiving his extortionate gas bill last week. Citing rising global energy costs and other lies, energy firms have increased … Continue reading Dundonald grandfather forced into prostitution to pay gas bill

Julian Simmons denies close links to Kremlin as Ukraine crisis escalates

Former UTV presenter Julian Simmons has strenuously denied allegations he has ever had links to, or worked for, the Russian government after leaked texts revealed he visited the Kremlin. In the wake if the allegations, TUV leader Jim Allister has called for sanctions to be imposed upon the long-serving continuity announcer. 'Grab his assets', Tweeted … Continue reading Julian Simmons denies close links to Kremlin as Ukraine crisis escalates

Belfast set for first ever ‘Straight Pride’ this weekend

Northern Ireland's first ever 'Straight Pride' march will take place in Belfast this weekend. The inaugural parade will see Northern Ireland's oppressed heterosexual majority celebrate their 'straightness' after years of fighting to get the event off the ground. Organiser Ivor Biggins, told us: 'We hope the city comes together to celebrate the diversity, strength and … Continue reading Belfast set for first ever ‘Straight Pride’ this weekend

Court pardons woman who suffocated her snoring husband

A Dundonald woman walked free from court this morning after suffocating her snoring husband, it has emerged. Kate Suffolk (42), who plead not guilty in Newtownards Magistrates Court this morning, wept as the judge read out the not guilty verdict. Before proceedings began, Mrs Suffolk told assembled journalists her defence was confident of securing a … Continue reading Court pardons woman who suffocated her snoring husband