Divorcing Dundonald couple fight for custody of air fryer

A Dundonald couple are embroiled in a bitter custody battle over their Air Fryer, it has emerged. Joe and Helen McMelter have been locked in divorce negotiations over their five children and countertop convection oven with neither party prepared to concede an inch. Much like Lazy Spas and paddle boards before it, the Air Fryer …

‘Prime dealer’ victim of paramilitary-style punishment beating

An alleged energy drink dealer in Dundonald has been the victim of a paramilitary-style attack. 24-year-old Paul Logan was set upon by masked men and dragged up an alleyway where he was beaten with baseball bats, iron bars and a wet towel. The father-of-eight was stumbled upon by a dog walker and rushed to the …

Local mum celebrates child’s first swear word with a balloon cluster

A Dundonald woman has celebrated her child's first utterance of the word 'fuck' with an assortment of overpriced balloons, it has emerged. Helen McMelter ordered the helium-filled bags after hearing her 3-year-old daughter Shania drop the F bomb this morning. It's understood the toddler was refusing to get her hair brushed when the profanity was …

Fall in GCSE grades for kids locked in house for 2yrs and home-schooled by pished parents

There has been a fall in the proportion of top GCSE grades awarded in Northern Ireland to children who were home-schooled by inebriated parents during the Covid-19 pandemic. GET TICKETS TO THE NEW DLA STAGE COMEDY IN THE MAC Experts believe they can link the fall to no child having sat a summer exam in …

Dundonald man spends day peeling sweaty ball bag off inner thigh

A Dundonald man has spent the entire day peeling his clammy scrotal sack off his inner thigh, it has emerged. Office worker Henry Halls made the shocking admission as temperatures continue to soar across the civil parish. 'Can't wait to get out of work and get a pair of shorts on', said Henry while craftily …

Glider launch new West Belfast bus service

Translink have bowed to public demand by announcing a new service dedicated exclusively to West Belfast. The new G-Unit service will link the Stewartstown Road, Andersonstown Road, Falls Road and Divis Street in the west and run alongside the existing G1 and G2 services. Bosses at the transport company unveiled the newly refurbished bus interior …

Larry the Cat appointed new Secretary of State for N. Ireland

Larry the cat has been appointed the new Secretary of State for Northern Ireland following the resignation of Brandon Lewis. It's understood the 15-year-old domestic cat fought off stiff competition for the role from Jacob Rees-Mogg's monocle and an overpriced tub of Lurpak. . The brown-and-white tabby is tasked with solving the power-sharing crisis at …

Dundonald grandfather forced into prostitution to pay gas bill

GET DLA MERCH An elderly Dundonald man has been forced into prostitution amid the rising costs of household utility bills, it has emerged. 79-year-old Roger D'Arcy has been offering sexual favours in exchange for cash since receiving his extortionate gas bill last week. Citing rising global energy costs and other lies, energy firms have increased …

Julian Simmons denies close links to Kremlin as Ukraine crisis escalates

Former UTV presenter Julian Simmons has strenuously denied allegations he has ever had links to, or worked for, the Russian government after leaked texts revealed he visited the Kremlin. In the wake if the allegations, TUV leader Jim Allister has called for sanctions to be imposed upon the long-serving continuity announcer. 'Grab his assets', Tweeted …

Belfast set for first ever ‘Straight Pride’ this weekend

Northern Ireland's first ever 'Straight Pride' march will take place in Belfast this weekend. The inaugural parade will see Northern Ireland's oppressed heterosexual majority celebrate their 'straightness' after years of fighting to get the event off the ground. Organiser Ivor Biggins, told us: 'We hope the city comes together to celebrate the diversity, strength and …