Cool Runnings 2 begins production in Dundonald this morning

A sequel to 90s smash hit comedy 'Cool Runnings' started production in the Co Down town of Dundonald this morning.  The reboot welcomes back original cast members Doug E. Doug, Rawle D. Lewis, Malik Yoba, although John Candy refused to reprise his role on the grounds of poor health. Principal photography began in Dundonald village …

Dundonald women test positive for Rihanna virus

GET DLA MERCH The Ulster Hospital has declared a 'major incident' after several Dundonald women tested positive for Rihanna virus. A leading R&B physician at the Belfast Trust, Dr Dre, said the women are exhibiting symptoms of the virus which include a runny nose, love on the brain and slut dropping to bangers in the …

Hugo Duncan pulls music from Spotify amidst much rejoicing

GET A DLA T-SHIRT Northern Irish musician Hugo Duncan has posted a since-deleted letter to his management team and record label demanding that they remove his music from Spotify. The 71-year-old affectionately dubbed 'Uncle Hugo' by his nieces, nephews and most frequently, himself, is taking his music off the streaming juggernaut in protest over the …

Notorious homewrecker Cotton Eye Joe dies from complications of syphilis, 81

GET A DLA T-SHIRT Legendary US lothario Cotton Eye Joe has passed away peacefully in a bed surrounded by hookers following a lengthy battle with syphilis at the age of 81. Joe was the subject of a famous song about a man with an STI who roamed the American deep south stealing people's girlfriends. The …

Bono visits Ballybeen survivors of Storm Barra

GET A DLA T-SHIRT THIS XMAS Rock saint Bono chartered a private jet to George Best Airport so that he could see first hand the devastation caused to Ballybeen by Storm Barra. Winds of up to 5mph swirled through the Estate yesterday, resulting in the destruction of countless garden gnomes, three patio chairs and a …

Falls Road shows solidarity with Carole Baskin after Tiger King 2 launch

A mural of animal rights activist Carole Baskin has appeared on the Falls Road following the release of Netflix true crime documentary series Tiger King 2. According to community representatives, residents painted the mural to show their solidarity with Baskin as she continues to face ongoing speculation she was involved in the disappearance of Don …

Tom Jones beds Sandy Row granny who threw her Union Jack knickers at him in Benedicts

Get a DLA T-shirt Legendary lothario Tom Jones had sex with a Sandy Row woman after she threw her Union Jack underwear at him following his Custom House Square gig on Tuesday night. Wilma Dickfitt (69) was on a hen do with friends in Benedicts Hotel when she spotted the Welsh crooner downing Jägerbombs at …

‘Buck Island’ commissioned by UTV

UTV have bowed to the public’s insatiable demand for programmes about scantily clad morons by commissioning a brand new show called ‘Buck Island’. Research compiled by execs at Havelock House revealed that UTV viewers enjoy watching attractive people in swimwear ride each other on television. The show will be filmed in a specially constructed villa …

Ian Paisley Jr breaking up the band and launching solo career

Ian Paisley Jr has announced he's splitting up with Van Morrison and launching a solo career, according to NME. It's the end of an era for what many regard as one of Northern Ireland's most successful boybands. The Samaritans has set up a special helpline to offer counselling to fans distressed by the split. The …

Rastamouse pulled from UK streaming services

Children's TV show 'Rastamouse' has been pulled from streaming services following accusations it promotes negative stereotypes of West Indian mice. The show follows crime busting mouse reggae band 'Da Easy Crew', who split their time between making music and solving mysteries for 'Da President of Mouseland'. Rastamouse received complaints from Caribbean mice who claimed the …