‘Take your coat off or you won’t feel the benefit of it outside’ warns local woman

Get tickets to the brand new and final DLA stage comedy at the Grand Opera House 13-17 June 2023 A Dundonald woman is warning people about the dangers of wearing coats indoors, it has emerged. As temperatures continue to plummet across the province, Helen McMelter is concerned people won’t experience the full benefits of a …

Local woman orders a Chinese as soon as she’s home from holiday

  A Dundonald woman ordered 'the usual' from her local Chinese takeaway just minutes after arriving home from holiday, it has emerged. 37-yr-old Helen McMelter was barely through the front door when she instructed her partner Joe to 'ring la Chinkers'. Helen, who spent 10 days drinking in an Irish pub in Benidorm and ate …

Absolute bastard has made a wee start on Christmas

A 33-year-old Dundonald woman is getting on everyone’s tits by boasting that she’s ‘made a wee start on Christmas’. GET TICKETS FOR THE NEW DLA STAGE SHOW AT THE MAC Smug Emma Kringle is looking forward to spending the next four months lecturing those around her about how unorganised they are. The mother-of-two claims to …

Portavogie seagull winged for anti-social behaviour

A SEAGULL in his 20s has been shot in both wings in a "paramilitary-style" attack in Portavogie last night. Police are currently at the scene in the village. An ambulance service spokesman said: “We received the report this morning of a male seagull having been shot through the wings.” "We sent two crews to the …

Translink bosses will reinstate No.8 Ballybeen bus amid strike action

GET DLA MERCH Translink announced they'll be temporarily reinstating the No.8 Ballybeen Estate bus as joint union strike action is set to shut down public bus services across Northern Ireland. Bosses confirmed they'd be restoring the much cherished service to minimize disruption for Ballybeen residents. 'We can confirm that the No.8 bus will return to …

Buses hijacked and set alight as Dundonald takeaways run out of salted chilli chicken

Vehicles were hijacked and torched in Dundonald last night after several Chinese takeaways ran out of salted chilli chicken. Masked men hijacked a bus and set it on fire, police said, in one of several incidents unfolding across the town during a night of unparalleled disorder. Trouble erupted in the civil parish after it emerged …

Emergency services attend scene after Smart car collides with rabbit

GET DLA MERCH Emergency were called to scene of an accident on the Craigantlet Hills this morning when the driver of a Smart Car collided with a rabbit. The animal walked away from the crash unscathed although the vehicle has been totally destroyed. A PSNI spokesman confirmed: ‘Motorists are advised that the road over Craigantlet …

Call to ban election posters within 30ft of schools after spate of kid’s nightmares

PTA groups have rallied together in calling for a ban on election posters outside schools in all constituencies ahead of the local elections in May. The calls come after hundreds of primary school children complained about having ‘bad dreams’ about ‘lampposts with the ugly heads’ during previous election campaigns. Concerned parent and admin of a …

Herds of bare-chested Smicks descend upon local beauty spots

Herds of wild Smicks were spotted at beauty spots across the province as temperatures soared to 17 degrees today. Every year, thousands of malnourished teenage boys 'whip their taps aff' and flock to country parks and conservation areas where they drink copious amounts of tonic wine and pish in the sea. Locals eagerly anticipate the …

Dundonald vigilante group confronts local ‘Predator’

GET DLA MERCH An angry mob confronted a man in the Dundonald area whom they believed to be a Predator. A video viewed thousands of times online shows the 'beast' facing accusations from a vigilante group. The 'Predator' was accused of arranging to meet a human decoy so that he might take their skull as …