Some harrowing tales are emerging this afternoon as the victims of Dundonald's 5-minute snow storm share their experiences. The whole parish was thrown into chaos around 1pm today as a shocking half a centimetre of snow fell from the skies. Some residents were moved to temporary accommodation after a skiff of snow settled on top … Continue reading Survivors of Dundonald’s 5-min snow storm reveal ordeal
Everyone in Northern Ireland is about to completely lose their shit over the 1cm of snow which may settle for an hour or two before melting, it has emerged. The announcement comes even though it has snowed every year since records began. Dfl Roads kicked things off by confirming they were totally unprepared should the … Continue reading Northern Ireland to lose its shit over 1cm of snowfall again
A yellow weather warning has been issued after a Larne man was blown off his sister during the act of coitus. 42-year-old Drew Peacock claims he was 'giving his sister the ride' when a huge gust of wind sent him hurtling through the air. The father of 12 was found several hours later by dog … Continue reading Yellow weather warning as strong winds blow Larne man off his sister
NI councils say they remain 'on course' to hit their target of 100,000 potholes on roads across the province. The latest data shows the councils are falling short with just 65,000 potholes recorded on NI’s roads last year. 'We're doing everything we can to hit the 100,000 mark', said a Belfast City Council spokesman. 'Lack … Continue reading NI councils ‘on course’ to reach 100,000 potholes target in 2023
A Dundonald man who held in a fart for 17 hours, has died. 31-year-old Ivor Windass spontaneously combusted as a result of a huge build up of gas in his alimentary canal. The window cleaner recently confided in friends and family that he'd entered into a new relationship which wasn't at the 'farting in front … Continue reading Man in new relationship dies from holding in fart
A Dundonald man has started smoking tobacco cigarettes in a desperate bid to wean himself off nicotine vapour, it has emerged. Dave ‘Dopey’ Stewart inadvertently became addicted to nicotine when he started vaping a couple of years ago. Dopey, a non-smoker to begin with, started vaping because ‘all his mates were doing it’. Through time … Continue reading Dundonald fella takes up smoking in bid to quit vaping
A Dundonald woman is dishing out repeated bollockings over her family's attempts to eat treats reserved for Jesus' birthday bash. Every December without fail, Helen McMelter packs her fridge to capacity with festive foods. And each year Helen's husband Joe sneaks a peak at the delicious bounty only to be told - 'Here you, put … Continue reading ‘Put that back, it’s fer Christmas’, says Dundonald woman
A Dundonald woman has maintained her annual tradition of being absolutely f**k all help when it comes to choosing her a Christmas gift, it has emerged. Every year, Kristina Kringle's children fail in the numerous attempts to wheedle a suitable gift suggestion her. The 60-yr-old mother-of-three will fob her children off with lines such as: … Continue reading Local martyr doesn’t want anything for Xmas again
A massive dickhead has put her Christmas tree up, it has emerged. Christine Kringle from East Belfast forced her husband (Nick) to fetch the tree from the loft before he went to work this morning. The irritatingly cheerful woman then spent the morning turning her living room into ‘some sort of fucking winter wonderland’ … Continue reading Absolute bastard puts her Christmas tree up
Get tickets to the brand new and final DLA stage comedy at the Grand Opera House 13-17 June 2023 A Dundonald woman is warning people about the dangers of wearing coats indoors, it has emerged. As temperatures continue to plummet across the province, Helen McMelter is concerned people won’t experience the full benefits of a … Continue reading ‘Take your coat off or you won’t feel the benefit of it outside’ warns local woman
The Dundonald Liberation Army 