Aul bitch says she’ll stick a knife in your child’s ball

An elderly local woman has threatened to burst a child's football with a knife, it has emerged. Ethel McGulder (87) was just looking out her window hoping to be offended when, as luck would have it, an all-weather size 4 Mitre soccer ball landed in her meticulously kept garden. When an 8-year-old boy came into … Continue reading Aul bitch says she’ll stick a knife in your child’s ball

New study reveals 98% of NI people rowing in the comments section have never heard of spell checker

A groundbreaking new study has revealed 98% of people in NI who participate in Facebook quarrels have never heard of spell checker.  Ethno-nationalist squabbles on Facebook have become as much a part of daily Northern Irish life as drinking tonic wine and eating a disgusting caramel-coloured loaf known as Veda. Most evenings, thousands of adults … Continue reading New study reveals 98% of NI people rowing in the comments section have never heard of spell checker

Melter creates another new Facebook account

A local has gone and set himself up another new Facebook profile, it has emerged. Hundreds of unsuspecting people woke this morning to a new friend request from local ‘balloon-head’ Dave McDramagh. Every six months or so, the 37-year-old deactivates his Facebook account only to re-emerge several weeks later with a new profile under a … Continue reading Melter creates another new Facebook account

Home schooled pupil puts in transfer request for different school

A Dundonald child has requested a transfer after growing tiresome of her parent’s attempts at home-schooling. Like the majority of pupils, little Lucy McMelter has not been able to attend school since March. As a result, Lucy and others like her have been under the tutelage of their unqualified wine-swilling parents. Subjected to months of … Continue reading Home schooled pupil puts in transfer request for different school

Belfast Zoo to reopen much to annoyance of happily furloughed giraffe

Belfast Zoo will reopen its doors to the public this weekend much to the disgust of a furloughed giraffe.  The zoo's animals were placed on the job retention scheme when the facility became closed to the public due to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic. Although the animals found it difficult to acclimatise at first, they say … Continue reading Belfast Zoo to reopen much to annoyance of happily furloughed giraffe

Dundonald man sweats his ballix off

A Dundonald man was rushed to hospital this morning after waking to find his testicles had dissolved in a puddle of sweat. Eunuch Powell (37) had terrible difficulty sleeping last night due to the drastic increase in temperatures across Northern Ireland. The sous chef tried everything from opening a window, to sleeping ‘pure ballick naked’. … Continue reading Dundonald man sweats his ballix off

Emotional scenes as Jordy (You owe me a tenner dickhead) McKeag reunited with football after 9-years

There were emotional scenes on the Shankill Road this morning after Jordy McKeag was finally reunited with his football after 9-years apart.  Jordy McKeag was just 11-years-old when his brand new Nike Total 90 Tracer ball was kicked onto the roof of a building by former friend Travis. Despite the best efforts of Travis, the … Continue reading Emotional scenes as Jordy (You owe me a tenner dickhead) McKeag reunited with football after 9-years

4th man dies from boredom outside re-opened Primark

A Dundonald man tragically passed away this afternoon while waiting for his girlfriend outside Primark in Belfast City Centre. Dom Bordman was found on a nearby public bench by shoppers who believed he was sleeping. The 35-yr-old passed away while waiting on his girlfriend who was queuing to get into Primark which reopened its doors … Continue reading 4th man dies from boredom outside re-opened Primark

Rastamouse pulled from UK streaming services

Children's TV show 'Rastamouse' has been pulled from streaming services following accusations it promotes negative stereotypes of West Indian mice. The show follows crime busting mouse reggae band 'Da Easy Crew', who split their time between making music and solving mysteries for 'Da President of Mouseland'. Rastamouse received complaints from Caribbean mice who claimed the … Continue reading Rastamouse pulled from UK streaming services

Dundonald man destroys house while making breakfast

A Dundonald man caused upwards of £160,000 worth of damage to his own home while making a cooked breakfast, according to reports. 41-year-old Denny Fryer was preparing breakfast for himself and his two daughters when he inadvertently destroyed his kitchen and several major appliances in the process. A structural engineer surveyed the damage this morning … Continue reading Dundonald man destroys house while making breakfast