Dundonald man doesn’t know how he’ll cope with another 4 weeks of flouting Covid-19 restrictions

  After 7 months of breaking just about every restriction imposed by the government in relation to stopping the spread of the coronavirus, Dundonald native Joe McMelter doesn't know if he 'can cope' with 4 more weeks.  The 35-year-old blasted the latest round of 'draconian measures' put in place by Stormont despite the fact he's … Continue reading Dundonald man doesn’t know how he’ll cope with another 4 weeks of flouting Covid-19 restrictions

Dundonald woman tests positive for VAT 19

A Dundonald woman has tested positive for VAT 19 the Department for Health in Northern Ireland confirmed this morning. Helen McMelter was rushed to the Ulster Hospital's Specialist Drama Unit after coming into contact with a potent golden rum. The 36-year-old was found curled up in the foetal position on her sofa this morning by … Continue reading Dundonald woman tests positive for VAT 19

Local woman looking forward to getting her jammies on and lighting a Jo Malone candle tonight

A Dundonald woman can't wait to put her pyjamas on and burn an overpriced scented candle tonight, it has emerged. Helen McMelter made the announcement in a Facebook post which read: ‘Looking forward to sticking my new jammies on and lighting my Pomegranate Noir Home Jo Malone Candle the night. Bliss’. Helen is just one … Continue reading Local woman looking forward to getting her jammies on and lighting a Jo Malone candle tonight

Man’s testicles explode after using Original Source shower gel

A Dundonald man was rushed to the Ulster Hospital after lathering his genitals in Mint & Tea Tree Original Source shower gel, it has emerged. Joe McMelter (37) suffered life-changing injuries when his testicles spontaneously combusted upon applying the product. Speaking like a choir boy from his hospital bed, Joe recalled the precise moment he … Continue reading Man’s testicles explode after using Original Source shower gel

Sammy Wilson is the new face of Dior

Sammy Wilson's star continues to rise. Both politically — his denial of global warming and COVID-19 has been commended by Donald Trump —and in the beauty realm, as evidenced by his latest coup: being named the face of Dior's new male fragrance, SAMMY. The 67-year-old East Antrim MP made the announcement this afternoon on Twitter, … Continue reading Sammy Wilson is the new face of Dior

Stormont: Ulster ‘Wet Pubs’ serving bats can reopen

So-called 'wet pubs' across the province will be allowed to open next week - if they serve customers bats and other exotic creatures to eat. The first and deputy first ministers met with Cabinet Office Minister Michael Gove and the Scottish and Welsh first ministers earlier today to discuss the reopening of premises which previously … Continue reading Stormont: Ulster ‘Wet Pubs’ serving bats can reopen

Belfast Zoo charged with animal cruelty after naming baby giraffe ‘Ballyclare’

Belfast Zoo has been charged with a string of animal cruelty offences after they named a new-born giraffe 'Ballyclare'.  Neja the giraffe gave birth to the herd's newest female Rothschild’s giraffe late last Thursday night. However, the fourth-time mother's joy was short-lived when evil zoo workers named the calf after a County Antrim shit-hole. As … Continue reading Belfast Zoo charged with animal cruelty after naming baby giraffe ‘Ballyclare’

Man who stockpiled bog roll tests positive for scunder

A Dundonald man who bought a ridiculously unnecessary amount of toilet paper at the beginning of the COVID-19 outbreak has tested positive for scunder.  Dundonald man Andy Rex, for some reason unbeknownst to man, began buying large quantities of loo roll throughout the months of March and April. This was in spite of repeated warnings … Continue reading Man who stockpiled bog roll tests positive for scunder

GP receptionists to be promoted to doctors to ease strain on NHS

GP receptionists with more than 6-weeks experience are to be given frontline NHS jobs in a bid to ease the strain on the health service, it has emerged.  The move was announced by the Secretary of State for Health Matt Hancock following a string of recommendations from patients across the UK. Many patients have been … Continue reading GP receptionists to be promoted to doctors to ease strain on NHS

Robin Swann released into Kiltonga Wildlife Reserve

Robin Swann was taken to Kiltonga Wildlife Reserve this afternoon and released back into the wild after eight months in captivity as Minister of Health for Northern Ireland. A small gathering of Mr Swann's former political colleagues applauded as he waddled his way down an embankment towards the water. 'We'd like to thank Robin for … Continue reading Robin Swann released into Kiltonga Wildlife Reserve