Dundonald man dies from cringe after reading old Facebook post

A Dundonald man has cringed himself to death after accidentally reading a Facebook status he posted back in 2011. Marty Fied, 32, died from ‘pure cringe’ on his way to the Ulster Hospital after browsing his Facebook Memories while on the toilet this morning. Paramedics worked on Mr Fied for several minutes but knew they … Continue reading Dundonald man dies from cringe after reading old Facebook post

NI health officials propose six more weeks of scrolling through videos of dicks baking banana bread

Get a DLA bake mask Health officials have proposed another six weeks of being stuck in doors and scrolling through videos of dicks baking banana bread, shaving their heads and juggling bog rolls. There is increasing speculation that Elf minister Robin Swann will recommend his 42nd lockdown of the year following the enormous success of … Continue reading NI health officials propose six more weeks of scrolling through videos of dicks baking banana bread

Dundonald woman looking forward to her ‘big Christmas food shap’

A local woman is gearing up for 'the big Christmas shap' when lockdown ends, according to reports. Big Janice from Coronation Park, Dundonald made the announcement this morning whilst making out her lengthy shopping list. Every year without fail, Janice keeps packing her fridge with food reserved for Jesus' birthday bash until it resembles some … Continue reading Dundonald woman looking forward to her ‘big Christmas food shap’

40-yr-old man set to receive Lynx Africa set and novelty socks for 10th Christmas running

A Dundonald man looks a sure thing to receive socks and a Lynx Africa set for Christmas, it has emerged. After finding novelty socks and a cheap body spray/shower gel set under the tree for the past 10 years, Chrissy Kringle resigned himself to the fact that this year will be no different. The uninspiring … Continue reading 40-yr-old man set to receive Lynx Africa set and novelty socks for 10th Christmas running

Death toll rises to 38, as boyfriend dies from boredom outside Primark

A Dundonald man tragically passed away this morning while waiting for his girlfriend outside Primark in Belfast City Centre, it has emerged.  Dom Bordman (35) was found on a public bench by Christmas shoppers who believed he was sleeping. Forensics experts estimate that Mr Bordman was stood outside the shop for between 35-45 minutes before … Continue reading Death toll rises to 38, as boyfriend dies from boredom outside Primark

Dundonald woman claims Sudocreme and cold flannel fixed husband’s broken neck

A Dundonald woman claims to have mended her husband’s broken neck using a medicated cream aimed primarily at the treatment of nappy rash, it has emerged. 42-year-old Nick Kringle fractured a cervical vertebrae after falling from his loft while fetching Christmas decorations at his wife’s behest. The plumber tried accessing his roof space by standing … Continue reading Dundonald woman claims Sudocreme and cold flannel fixed husband’s broken neck

Owner of shitty old scrapper causes one final traffic jam at Stockmans Lane

The owner of an old banger took the car to its final resting place at Stockmans Lane, it has emerged.  Maurice Minor (47) eventually set off on the journey this morning after countless attempts to start the shite heap. Stockmans Lane has become a 'Valhalla' for shitty old scrappers hoping to cause one final traffic … Continue reading Owner of shitty old scrapper causes one final traffic jam at Stockmans Lane

1 in 4 Dundonald children using ‘plastic beg from offies’ as sports grip

The latest figures from the NSPCC have revealed that 1 in 4 school children living in Dundonald are being forced to carry their PE kits to school in a plastic bag from their local off-licence. For decades, binge-drinking parents have saved a fortune on expensive PE equipment for their children by stashing all their carry-out … Continue reading 1 in 4 Dundonald children using ‘plastic beg from offies’ as sports grip

Massive d**khead wants to put her Christmas tree up now

Get a DLA face mask from Norn Iron Tees A massive d**khead wants to put her f**king Christmas tree up, it has emerged. Christine Kringle from East Belfast forced her husband (Nick) to fetch the tree from the loft before he went to work this morning. The irritatingly cheerful woman then spent the morning turning … Continue reading Massive d**khead wants to put her Christmas tree up now

Epic Games to release special edition ’12th Fortnite’ for Prods

Fortnite developer Epic Games are releasing a new season of the hit online video game aimed specifically at the PUL community in Northern Ireland. The special edition, called '12th Fortnite', is a player-versus-player game based on the Ulster Protestant celebration known as 'The Twelfth' or 'Da Twellff'. In the game, weaponless players airdrop from a … Continue reading Epic Games to release special edition ’12th Fortnite’ for Prods