Sammy Wilson is the new face of Dior

Sammy Wilson's star continues to rise. Both politically — his denial of global warming and COVID-19 has been commended by Donald Trump —and in the beauty realm, as evidenced by his latest coup: being named the face of Dior's new male fragrance, SAMMY. The 67-year-old East Antrim MP made the announcement this afternoon on Twitter, … Continue reading Sammy Wilson is the new face of Dior

Stormont: Ulster ‘Wet Pubs’ serving bats can reopen

So-called 'wet pubs' across the province will be allowed to open next week - if they serve customers bats and other exotic creatures to eat. The first and deputy first ministers met with Cabinet Office Minister Michael Gove and the Scottish and Welsh first ministers earlier today to discuss the reopening of premises which previously … Continue reading Stormont: Ulster ‘Wet Pubs’ serving bats can reopen

Belfast Zoo charged with animal cruelty after naming baby giraffe ‘Ballyclare’

Belfast Zoo has been charged with a string of animal cruelty offences after they named a new-born giraffe 'Ballyclare'.  Neja the giraffe gave birth to the herd's newest female Rothschild’s giraffe late last Thursday night. However, the fourth-time mother's joy was short-lived when evil zoo workers named the calf after a County Antrim shit-hole. As … Continue reading Belfast Zoo charged with animal cruelty after naming baby giraffe ‘Ballyclare’

Man who stockpiled bog roll tests positive for scunder

A Dundonald man who bought a ridiculously unnecessary amount of toilet paper at the beginning of the COVID-19 outbreak has tested positive for scunder.  Dundonald man Andy Rex, for some reason unbeknownst to man, began buying large quantities of loo roll throughout the months of March and April. This was in spite of repeated warnings … Continue reading Man who stockpiled bog roll tests positive for scunder

GP receptionists to be promoted to doctors to ease strain on NHS

GP receptionists with more than 6-weeks experience are to be given frontline NHS jobs in a bid to ease the strain on the health service, it has emerged.  The move was announced by the Secretary of State for Health Matt Hancock following a string of recommendations from patients across the UK. Many patients have been … Continue reading GP receptionists to be promoted to doctors to ease strain on NHS

Robin Swann released into Kiltonga Wildlife Reserve

Robin Swann was taken to Kiltonga Wildlife Reserve this afternoon and released back into the wild after eight months in captivity as Minister of Health for Northern Ireland. A small gathering of Mr Swann's former political colleagues applauded as he waddled his way down an embankment towards the water. 'We'd like to thank Robin for … Continue reading Robin Swann released into Kiltonga Wildlife Reserve

Boris Johnson swings by Dundonald Ice Bowl during NI Visit

Boris Johnson dropped by Dundonald's International Ice Bowl this morning as the new PM took a break from talks with Stormont's political leaders and Taoiseach Micheál Martin. The Tory leader arrived at the popular facility around 9am this morning and headed straight for the arcades while an aide paid for their bookings at reception. Eyewitnesses … Continue reading Boris Johnson swings by Dundonald Ice Bowl during NI Visit

Great Bog Roll Shortage of 2020 added to GCSE history syllabus

School children studying GCSE history are to learn about the 'Great Bog Roll Shortage of 2020' in a new syllabus unveiled today.  Pupils will study in depth the time when morons unnecessarily stock-piled shit paper during the early stages of the Coronavirus outbreak. They will have to show that they understand the reasons why people … Continue reading Great Bog Roll Shortage of 2020 added to GCSE history syllabus

2020 School Sports Day behind closed doors with millbag noise option

NI Education Minister Peter Weir has confirmed 2020's School Sports Day will be held behind closed doors although viewers will be given the option of an interactive crowd noise. TV cameras will broadcast our primary school's prestigious annual sporting event and across all of them, you can enjoy the new 'Mas & Das Crowd Feature'. … Continue reading 2020 School Sports Day behind closed doors with millbag noise option

‘Summer f**king ruined’ confirms Barra Best

Barra Best, the world’s sexiest bald ginger person, has confirmed that summer in Northern Ireland has been officially fucking ruined.  Best made the announcement outside Belfast City Hall as the pouring rain bounced off his hairless cranium. The smouldering hunk told the drenched inhabitants of Northern Ireland to brace themselves for some incredibly shite weather … Continue reading ‘Summer f**king ruined’ confirms Barra Best