‘So cold’ Dundonald hardman swaps shorts for trousers

A local hardman has been forced to wear trousers instead of shorts as temperatures continue to plummet. For years, 58-year-old Chuck Stones has paraded around Dundonald in a pair of luminous sports shorts thus exposing his leg tattoos, including a union flag waving Tasmanian Devil. However, freezing conditions have left the father-of-twelve with no choice …

Fourth man dies from boredom outside re-opened Primark

A Belfast man tragically passed away this evening while waiting for his girlfriend outside Primark in Belfast City Centre. Dom Bordman was found on a nearby public bench by shoppers who believed he was sleeping. The 35-yr-old passed away while waiting on his girlfriend who was queuing to get into Primark which reopened its doors …

Co-worker who contaminated butter with their burnt toast crumbs kneecapped

A selfish bastard of a co-worker who contaminated a communal tub of butter with burnt toast crumbs has been the victim of a paramilitary-style punishment shooting. 41-year-old Dundonald woman Marge Jardine was dragged up an alleyway and shot in both legs after she defiled the office spread with her charred bread fragments. The mother-of-three was …

Dundonald woman looking forward to her ‘big Christmas food shap’

A local woman is gearing up for 'the big Christmas shap' when lockdown ends, according to reports. Big Janice from Coronation Park, Dundonald made the announcement this morning whilst making out her lengthy shopping list. Every year without fail, Janice keeps packing her fridge with food reserved for Jesus' birthday bash until it resembles some …

Death toll rises to 38, as boyfriend dies from boredom outside Primark

A Dundonald man tragically passed away this morning while waiting for his girlfriend outside Primark in Belfast City Centre, it has emerged.  Dom Bordman (35) was found on a public bench by Christmas shoppers who believed he was sleeping. Forensics experts estimate that Mr Bordman was stood outside the shop for between 35-45 minutes before …

Massive d**khead wants to put her Christmas tree up now

Get a DLA face mask from Norn Iron Tees A massive d**khead wants to put her f**king Christmas tree up, it has emerged. Christine Kringle from East Belfast forced her husband (Nick) to fetch the tree from the loft before he went to work this morning. The irritatingly cheerful woman then spent the morning turning …

Local martyr doesn’t want anything for Xmas this year

A Dundonald woman has maintained her annual tradition of being absolutely f**k all help when it comes to choosing her a Christmas gift, it has emerged. Every year, Kristina Kringle's children fail in the numerous attempts to wheedle a suitable gift suggestion her. The 60-yr-old mother-of-three will fob her children off with lines such as: …

Dundonald woman tests positive for VAT 19

A Dundonald woman has tested positive for VAT 19 the Department for Health in Northern Ireland confirmed this morning. Helen McMelter was rushed to the Ulster Hospital's Specialist Drama Unit after coming into contact with a potent golden rum. The 36-year-old was found curled up in the foetal position on her sofa this morning by …

GP receptionists to be promoted to doctors to ease strain on NHS

GP receptionists with more than 6-weeks experience are to be given frontline NHS jobs in a bid to ease the strain on the health service, it has emerged.  The move was announced by the Secretary of State for Health Matt Hancock following a string of recommendations from patients across the UK. Many patients have been …

2020 School Sports Day behind closed doors with millbag noise option

NI Education Minister Peter Weir has confirmed 2020's School Sports Day will be held behind closed doors although viewers will be given the option of an interactive crowd noise. TV cameras will broadcast our primary school's prestigious annual sporting event and across all of them, you can enjoy the new 'Mas & Das Crowd Feature'. …