Woman who wrote ‘come at me 2020’ last NYE really regretting it now

A Dundonald woman who dared 2020 to come at her is sorely regretting it now, it has emerged.  Every New Year's Eve, Helen McMelter's Facebook followers eagerly anticipate her long winded post in which she reviews her year. After blaming everyone but herself for another 12-months worth of disastrous life choices, Helen will normally sign … Continue reading Woman who wrote ‘come at me 2020’ last NYE really regretting it now

Great Bog Roll Shortage of 2020 added to GCSE history syllabus

School children studying GCSE history are to learn about the 'Great Bog Roll Shortage of 2020' in a new syllabus unveiled today.  Pupils will study in depth the time when morons unnecessarily stock-piled shit paper during the early stages of the Coronavirus outbreak. They will have to show that they understand the reasons why people … Continue reading Great Bog Roll Shortage of 2020 added to GCSE history syllabus

IFA to replace national anthem with Bits & Pieces for Cup final

The Irish FA have announced they will replace the national anthem with the legendary Smick anthem 'Bits & Pieces' before tomorrow’s Irish Cup final between Glentoran and Ballymena. The move comes after the IFA’s DJ received a written request from Glentoran fans. ‘I don’t usually do requests’, explained DJ Sammy C. ‘But The Glens went … Continue reading IFA to replace national anthem with Bits & Pieces for Cup final

2020 School Sports Day behind closed doors with millbag noise option

NI Education Minister Peter Weir has confirmed 2020's School Sports Day will be held behind closed doors although viewers will be given the option of an interactive crowd noise. TV cameras will broadcast our primary school's prestigious annual sporting event and across all of them, you can enjoy the new 'Mas & Das Crowd Feature'. … Continue reading 2020 School Sports Day behind closed doors with millbag noise option

‘Summer f**king ruined’ confirms Barra Best

Barra Best, the world’s sexiest bald ginger person, has confirmed that summer in Northern Ireland has been officially fucking ruined.  Best made the announcement outside Belfast City Hall as the pouring rain bounced off his hairless cranium. The smouldering hunk told the drenched inhabitants of Northern Ireland to brace themselves for some incredibly shite weather … Continue reading ‘Summer f**king ruined’ confirms Barra Best

Aul bitch says she’ll stick a knife in your child’s ball

An elderly local woman has threatened to burst a child's football with a knife, it has emerged. Ethel McGulder (87) was just looking out her window hoping to be offended when, as luck would have it, an all-weather size 4 Mitre soccer ball landed in her meticulously kept garden. When an 8-year-old boy came into … Continue reading Aul bitch says she’ll stick a knife in your child’s ball

New study reveals 98% of NI people rowing in the comments section have never heard of spell checker

A groundbreaking new study has revealed 98% of people in NI who participate in Facebook quarrels have never heard of spell checker.  Ethno-nationalist squabbles on Facebook have become as much a part of daily Northern Irish life as drinking tonic wine and eating a disgusting caramel-coloured loaf known as Veda. Most evenings, thousands of adults … Continue reading New study reveals 98% of NI people rowing in the comments section have never heard of spell checker

Melter creates another new Facebook account

A local has gone and set himself up another new Facebook profile, it has emerged. Hundreds of unsuspecting people woke this morning to a new friend request from local ‘balloon-head’ Dave McDramagh. Every six months or so, the 37-year-old deactivates his Facebook account only to re-emerge several weeks later with a new profile under a … Continue reading Melter creates another new Facebook account

Home schooled pupil puts in transfer request for different school

A Dundonald child has requested a transfer after growing tiresome of her parent’s attempts at home-schooling. Like the majority of pupils, little Lucy McMelter has not been able to attend school since March. As a result, Lucy and others like her have been under the tutelage of their unqualified wine-swilling parents. Subjected to months of … Continue reading Home schooled pupil puts in transfer request for different school

Belfast Zoo to reopen much to annoyance of happily furloughed giraffe

Belfast Zoo will reopen its doors to the public this weekend much to the disgust of a furloughed giraffe.  The zoo's animals were placed on the job retention scheme when the facility became closed to the public due to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic. Although the animals found it difficult to acclimatise at first, they say … Continue reading Belfast Zoo to reopen much to annoyance of happily furloughed giraffe