An alleged energy drink dealer in Dundonald has been the victim of a paramilitary-style attack.
24-year-old Paul Logan was set upon by masked men and dragged up an alleyway where he was beaten with baseball bats, iron bars and a wet towel.
The father-of-eight was stumbled upon by a dog walker and rushed to the Ulster Hospital’s Specialist Drama Unit where he underwent a complicated 4-hour procedure to have a 500ml bottle of Tropical Punch Prime surgically removed from his rectum.
Dr Steph O’Scope who carried out the procedure, told us:
‘Although the stroking b*stard had it coming, we managed to remove most of the bottle from Mr Logan’s hole’.
‘I honestly don’t see what the big fuss is? It tastes like pish’.
‘Personally, I think it’s a disgrace this product is being marketed at kids. You wouldn’t have got away with that kind of thing in our day’, she said, while swigging from a can of Top Deck shandy.
Meanwhile, Dundonald woman Helen McMelter is recovering well after having a penis surgically removed from her forehead.
The Dundonald Mums admin had the penis amputated after she paid £100 for a bottle of blue raspberry Prime on Gumtree.
Speaking from her hospital bed in the Specialist Drama Unit, Helen told us:
‘My wee Kenzie said none of the other wee lads could get their hands on a bottle so I paid some fella on the internet 100 quid for one’.
‘I wanted to stick a wee pic of Kenzie holding the bottle on Facebook so all the other mas felt like pure shit but turns out it was scam and I lost the money’.
‘That’s when my husband Joe suggested I should book in to get the dick cut off my head’.
Prime is an energy drink introduced by a couple of internet dickheads and marketed to children.
Incredibly high demand has led to astronomical price hikes, black marketeering and desperate mothers trailing the wigs off each other in Dundonald’s ASDA.