There has been a fall in the proportion of top GCSE grades awarded in Northern Ireland to children who were home-schooled by inebriated parents during the Covid-19 pandemic.
Experts believe they can link the fall to no child having sat a summer exam in three years.
GCSE, AS and A-level and AS-level exams were cancelled during the pandemic and pupils were awarded grades which furloughed teachers picked out of a tombola during Zoom meetings.
Despite a number of modifications to GSCEs in 2022, it wasn’t enough to offset the damage caused by months of home-schooling by unqualified wine-swilling parents.
Girls continued to outperform boys in Northern Ireland in achieving the top grades in 2022, although the boys shouldn’t worry as their wages will be higher anyway.
Lucy McMelter, who spent a large portion of her GCSE course fucking about with dodgy WiFi connections and Zoom streams, told us:
‘In my experience, school lessons begin at 9am, sharp. However, my new ‘teacher’, AKA my ma, couldn’t drag her lazy arse out of bed before 10.30am’.
‘In all my years as a student, I’ve yet to encounter a teacher who deems a housecoat appropriate teaching attire’.
‘Furthermore, how many bottles of Pinot Grigio is a teacher allowed to consume before lunchtime? If it’s two, I feel it was too many’.
In related news, experts believe up to 100,000 people who were home-doctored during the pandemic may have undiagnosed cancer.
The Dundonald Liberation Army 