July and August to be renamed Usuns-tember and Themuns-tober in NI from 2023

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The months of July and August are set to be renamed exclusively in Northern Ireland, it has emerged.

Effective 2023, July will become Usuns-tember and August Themuns-tober – with these prefixes being interchangeable depending on which ethnopolitical group you identify with.

The move comes after yet another grim summer for the province with whataboutery reaching unprecedented levels.  

Leaders of Northern Ireland’s main political parties released statements outlining their reasoning for changes.

‘Historically, July has been celebrated by Usuns’, said a spokesperson on behalf of the Unionist parties.

‘During this month, we like to sing songs which glorify terrorism and build bonfires to burn flags, electoral posters and effigies belonging to Themuns’.

‘In response, Themuns claim to be mortally offended, ring into Nolan – and of course, hope it pisses down for the entire month’.

‘We therefore declare this month to be known henceforth as Usuns-tember’.

In response, the Nationalist parties said:

‘Historically, August has been celebrated by Usuns’.

‘During this month, we like to sign songs which glorify terrorism and build bonfires to burn flags, electoral posters and effigies belonging to Themuns’.

‘In response, Themuns claim to be mortally offended, ring into Nolan – and of course, hope it pisses down for the entire month’.

‘We therefore declare this month to be known henceforth as Usuns-tober’.

Meanwhile, the news was welcomed by one pensioner struggling to pay her utility bills as we head into the winter months.

‘At a time when considering prostitution to heat my home, it’s good see people focusing on what’s really important, like the Stephen Nolan show’.

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