A Dundonald man has spent the entire day peeling his clammy scrotal sack off his inner thigh, it has emerged.
Office worker Henry Halls made the shocking admission as temperatures continue to soar across the civil parish.
‘Can’t wait to get out of work and get a pair of shorts on’, said Henry while craftily adjusting his sweaty bollocks via his trouser pocket.
‘I’ve spent the day pulling my testicles off leg like I’m separating two slices of luncheon meat’.
‘My gusset’s wetter than a nursing home sofa during a Daniel O’Donnell TV appearance’.
‘I’m gonna go home the night and tea bag a Slush Puppy’.
Meanwhile, his big-chested co-worker Betty Switts was experiencing similar difficulties.
‘I’m about 2 minutes away from whipping the diddies out in public and dousing them in talc’.
‘I’ve been fantasising about tit-wanking a Twister lolly for the last half hour’.
In related news, the PSNI said they’ve received reports of bare-chested malnourished Smicks meandering about local beauty spots as if they’ve 70 inch TVs under their arms.