Larry the cat has been appointed the new Secretary of State for Northern Ireland following the resignation of Brandon Lewis.
It’s understood the 15-year-old domestic cat fought off stiff competition for the role from Jacob Rees-Mogg’s monocle and an overpriced tub of Lurpak. .
The brown-and-white tabby is tasked with solving the power-sharing crisis at Stormont and issues surrounding the Northern Ireland Protocol.
‘This feels like a demotion’, purred the former Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office.
‘I can’t make head nor tail of this place’, he said while pawing at a map of Northern Ireland.
‘How can someone from Portadown say Donegal is down south?’.
‘Why am I getting tweets asking if I’m one of themuns or one of usuns?’
‘And what the fuck is a Jim Allister?’
The news was welcomed in Northern Ireland with voters there believing Larry is best secretary of state they’ve had since Mo Mowlam.
‘Couldn’t be any worse than Karen Bradley’, said Short Strand resident Des O’Dent.
‘Less of a pussy than Julian Smith’, said Sandy Row community representative Claude Stones.
Meanwhile, Boris Johnson said he will stay on as caretaker-Prime Minister until the Conservative Party conference in October.
However, Tory MPs would prefer Johnson to step down immediately and bring in an interim Prime Minister such as Ralf Rangnick or Big Sam Allardyce.