Co-worker who contaminated butter with their burnt toast crumbs kneecapped

A selfish bastard of a co-worker who contaminated a communal tub of butter with burnt toast crumbs has been the victim of a paramilitary-style punishment shooting.

41-year-old Dundonald woman Marge Jardine was dragged up an alleyway and shot in both legs after she defiled the office spread with her charred bread fragments.

The mother-of-three was stumbled upon by a dog walker and rushed to the Ulster Hospital’s Specialist Drama Unit where he underwent a complicated 4-hour procedure to have a 250g tub of Golden Cow surgically removed from her rectum.

Dr Steph O’Scope who carried out the procedure told us: ‘Although the selfish hoor had it coming, we managed to remove the tub from Marge’s hole’.

‘The amount of post-knife scraping debris in there was a fucking disgrace. The next poor bastard to use it would have been practically spreading toast on toast’.

Speaking from her hospital bed, Marge said: ‘It wasn’t my fault! The dick that used the toaster before me must’ve been fannying about with the settings again’.

‘What the fuck are those numbers about anyway? Are they minutes? Or are they just varying degrees of toastiness? Who knows?’.

It’s the second such attack this week after a Dundonald man was beaten with iron bars after he stole a work colleague’s yoghurt.

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