Herds of bare-chested Smicks descend upon local beauty spots


Herds of wild Smicks were spotted at beauty spots across the province as temperatures soared to 17 degrees today.

Every year, thousands of malnourished teenage boys ‘whip their taps aff’ and flock to country parks and conservation areas where they drink copious amounts of tonic wine and pish in the sea.

Locals eagerly anticipate the reappearance of the ‘delightful inebriated children’ with their loud cheesy dance music and profuse swearing.

‘When I usually bring my two children, Farquhar and Farquetta to the beach, they collect mundane things like sea shells’, explained Helens Bay Jessica Marblemouth.

‘But the Smicks leave a host of more interesting things to gather, such as broken WKD bottles and used condoms’.

Meanwhile, 14-year-old veteran of the Smick scene and father-of-three, Wee ‘mental’ Millsy absolutely loves visiting the beauty spots with his buddies.

He told us, ‘The beatbax is pumpin and the gear is flowing like wine’.

‘Later on when the peelers show up, we’ll all gather in a circle and shout ‘fuck the PSNI’.

‘And those of us who can’t spell PSNI will just shout ‘fuck the RUC’ instead’.

Thirty-eight-year-old Simon Weary arrived with his family for a picnic in the sun when the Smicks arrived.

He told us, ‘Once the skinny chaps with the fluffy lips were suitably pissed. They set fire to disposable BBQs and sprayed some size-5 footballs around which hit some unsuspecting sunbathers about the head’.

‘I was just pouring some Fanta into plastic cups for the kids who were sat on our picnic blanket, when suddenly two young men came charging through when a two-footed slide tackle went awry’.

‘My six-year-old son was badly winded but once he got his breath back we all had a great chuckle about it.

‘And as a treat, I let the kids pick up all the used drug paraphernalia the Smicks left at their holes’.


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