Northern Ireland has confirmed it’s completely unprepared for the 1cm of snow which may settle for an hour or two before melting, it has emerged.
The announcement comes even though it has snowed since records began.
‘We regret to announce we have absolutely f*ck all provisions in place to deal with the snow which we’ve known might fall since last winter’, said a spokesperson on behalf of Dfl Roads.
‘Expect massive traffic disruption and pensioners sliding about like new born foals on an ice rink’.
‘Also, we would like to take this opportunity to encourage anyone with a car which is close to breaking down to make a completely unnecessary journey’.
‘Maybe take her up the Westlink or Stockmans Lane. They love a good breakdown up there’, they added.
Meanwhile, the UDA has issued death threats to all the irritating amateur weather reporters on Facebook this morning.
‘Anyone in Northern Ireland who writes, ‘It’s Snowing’ on social media shall be unmercifully kicked in the ballix’, read a statement on behalf of the organisation.
‘People are capable of looking out of the window to see any adverse weather conditions with their own fucking eyes’.
Following the announcement, a sinister looking group of men on the Shankill Road were spotted lacing up their steel toe-cap boots, eagerly anticipating the inevitable barrage of Facebook posts stating the obvious.
One UDA man told us, ‘Usually I just unfriend them but this year I cannot wait to feel their testicles explode upon the impact of my ruthless kick’.
The Dundonald Liberation Army 