Belfast’s oldest Goth dies, 38


Belfast’s oldest Goth has passed away this morning, according to reports.

The 38-year-old’s body was discovered by his elderly mother in the home they shared together.

The PSNI are describing it as ‘some sort of weird wanking thing gone tits up’.

Marty ‘Salem’ Magee became heavily influenced by Nu-Metal music in his late-teens and spent most Saturday afternoons loitering outside Belfast City Hall.

Yet even when his pals ditched the Goth look in preparation for careers in call centres, Marty showed total commitment by refusing to remove his make-up or have his dyed-blue hair cut shorter. 

Marty was survived by his 10-year-old son, Damian, of whom he shared custody with ex-girlfriend Roxanne.

They met at a Metallica concert in the SSE Arena after he drenched her with a plastic pint glass filled with urine.

‘Of all the people he showered with his piss that night, I’m so glad that I was one of them’, recalled Roxanne.

She accompanied Marty to A&E that same night when security staff fractured his skull for trying to light a cigarette inside the venue.

‘We didn’t get off to the best of starts, what with his pish running down my back and him being concussed and all. But it blossomed into a beautiful romance’, she added.

But even fatherhood didn’t snap Marty out of his Gothic ways and every morning he’d still apply his white make-up and black lipstick before heading off to his job in Ards Movieland.

Marty’s refusal to accept that he’d well since past the acceptable window of opportunity for wearing pentagram shirts and black lipstick caused friction with his son from the get go.

‘I begged him to rub a flannel round his face and wear a Stone Island coat like every other Da in the playground but the b**tard insisted upon parading around like Edward Scissorhand’s big sister’, sobbed Damian.

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