A Dundonald man is clipping his finger nails in preparation for Valentine’s Day, it has emerged.
Eternal optimist Randy Buck was spotted leaving ASDA with a heavy duty stainless steel nail clipper ahead of his first Valentine’s Day with his new girlfriend.
The 31-year-old is hoping to finally reach third base and wants to ensure his fingering apparatus is in optimum condition.
‘Look at there one’, said Randy, proudly displaying the long filthy talon sprouting from the tip of his index finger.
‘I don’t want her thinking she’s just had a cervical sweep by Eddie Scissor hands. So I’ll give these bad boys their biannual clipping’.
The stay-at-home-son also revealed that he intends to do a bit of manscaping.
‘Kip of that’, said Randy, while exposing his unkempt pubic region.
‘It looks like a plan view of Marouane Fellaini’s head’.
‘Don’t want the big girl choking on a short & curly’, he chuckled.
However, Randy’s girlfriend has other ideas.
‘If he thinks he coming round here with an Valentine’s meal-deal and bottle of cava and I’ll be spreading my legs, he’s another thing coming. Besides, I just got my period’, she revealed.
The Dundonald Liberation Army 