The homosexual dessert at the centre of a legal row was called to testify in the European Court of Human Rights discrimination case this morning.
The cake, real name Victor Sponge, was cross-examined by the lawyers representing both Ashers Bakery and Gay Rights activist Gareth Lee.
The poor pudding broke down in tears while recounting his version of events leading up to today’s landmark legal trial.
‘Jesus didn’t want me for a bloody sunbeam’ sobbed the cake in front of the jurors.
Victor revealed how his life had been turned upside down by the media circus generated by the case.
‘Ach, the past four years have been a flipping nightmare’.
‘Sure I couldn’t even show my bake on Union Street without a pack of melters asking for selfies’.
The cake also revealed how all the attention from case put a tremendous strain on his relationship with a chocolate eclair called Dave.
‘Dave didn’t like all the attention I was getting. Every time we went on a night out he’d go absolutely Britney 2007 cos he’d think someone was flirting with me’.
In the end it all became too much and they called time on their relationship after 4 years together.
‘Swear on my hair, if it wasn’t for that bloody court case we’d still be a couple’, wept Victor.
As the news broke this morning, hundreds of people rushed to social media to row in the comments sections of online news articles.
Supporters of both parties flooded the internet with crucifixes and rainbow flags as word of the verdict spread.
‘Was the cake doubled-jabbed or was it anti-vax?’, quizzed one shit-stirring cunt.