A Dundonald man who bought a ridiculously unnecessary amount of toilet paper at the beginning of the COVID-19 outbreak is ‘hoping and praying’ symptoms of the new Omicron variant include explosive diarrhea.
52-year-old Andy Rex, for reasons unbeknownst to man, began buying large quantities of loo roll throughout the months of March and April in 2020.
This was in spite of repeated warnings ‘the shits’ was not a symptom of the coronavirus.
As a result, Andy has amassed enough toilet paper to wipe the arses of every man, woman and child in Northern Ireland for the next 15-years.
However, the emergence of the new Omicron variant has given Andy renewed hope that he might suffer from a prolonged dose of the squirts.
‘With any luck, this new Omicron variant will have shite blasting out my hole like Chinese take-away gravy out of a power hose’, said the semi-retired Loyalist.
‘It’s the only way I’m getting rid of some of this bog roll’, added Andy while pointing at a box room filled with multi-packs of toilet tissue.
The Glasgow Rangers season ticket holder broke down in tears as he recounted an incident last year when he tipped an 85-year-old woman out of her wheelchair during a scuffle over a 4-pack of Charmin Ultra.
‘At the time I thought the aul bitch had it coming. But looking back I probably shouldn’t have trailed her by the wig out of that wheelchair’.
‘And I sure as fuck shouldn’t have let her tyres down’.