Fingering and fair-digging to resume in NI pubs & clubs Oct 31

GET DLA MERCH

Northern Irish pastimes ‘fingering’ and ‘fair-digging’ will resume in pubs and clubs across the province with effect from October 31st.

Stormont executive ministers met earlier for a fuck-off lunch at the tax-payer’s behest during which the easing of coronavirus restrictions was briefly discussed.

It was agreed somewhere between the 2nd and 3rd course that social distancing measures in pubs, clubs and restaurants would be removed to allow the insertion of fingers into female genitalia and the resumption of bare-knuckle boxing to resolve drunken disputes.

Under existing rules, social distancing of at least 1m (3ft) remains a legal requirement meaning all finger-blasting and scrapping must be done in surrounding streets and back alleys.

The move was welcomed by organizers of teenage discos and grab-a-granny nights across Belfast’s venues.

‘About bloody time’, said 68-year-old bar-goer and fingering enthusiast Wilma Dickfitt.

‘It’s been ages since some fella’s yanked the labia off me in a packed bar’,

‘Looking forward to Halloween night, nai. Think I’ll go as a glove this year – all the fellas can put their hand in me’.

Meanwhile, 38-year-old menace to society ‘Basher’ Magee is equally as enthused about the return of hand-to-hand combat in his local.

‘I forget what it feels like to Judas some poor bastard in the side of the head while he’s having a good night and minding his own business’.

‘I’m sure the bouncers are pleased too. The poor fellas haven’t WWE choke-slammed an 8 stone Smick head-first into the pavement in over a year and a half’.

High Street Vouchers valid at Fletcher Meats

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