Belfast set for first ever ‘Straight Pride’ this weekend

Northern Ireland’s first ever ‘Straight Pride’ march will take place in Belfast this weekend.

The inaugural parade will see Northern Ireland’s oppressed heterosexual majority celebrate their ‘straightness’ after years of fighting to get the event off the ground.

Organiser Ivor Biggins, told us: ‘We hope the city comes together to celebrate the diversity, strength and acceptance of the straight community’.

Ballymena man Ivor was thrown out of the family home by his parents when he was only 16 after he came out as straight.

‘I guess I always knew in a way I liked weemen’, said the 38-year-old.

‘While all my mates would be out on the town chasing cock, I’d be sat at home watching the tele drooling over thon Gladiator gurls’.

‘One day my Ma found a Nuts Mag when she was cleaning my room. I couldn’t live a lie any longer and told my parents I preferred fanny’.

‘They said they were ashamed of me. Asked why I couldn’t be normal like all the other boys and drink Bacardi Breezers? That’s when they told me to sling my hook’.

Ivor is currently in a heterosexual relationship with a woman called Suzie with whom he has two children.

‘At first we considered adopting but then we decided we would do it the old fashioned way and have vaginal penetrative sex’.

‘We’ve two boys, Ivor Jr and Ivan. They often get teased at school because their parents are straight’.

Ivor hopes the parade will be an opportunity for straights across the province to express themselves without fear of judgement and hate.

‘It’ll be a beautiful sight to see thousands of straight men and women in their corduroy trousers and Regatta fleeces marching past City Hall with Kenny Rogers music blaring’.

However, a counter demonstration by members of the gay community is expected to take place simultaneously.

‘I think it’s absolutely disgusting’, said organiser of the counter demonstration and local drag queen Milly Von Beg.

‘Parading around there as if bootcut jeans and brown brogues are something to be proud of’.

When informed of Ms Von Beg’s remarks, Ivor responded:

‘They wouldn’t know what it’s like. Every day is Gay Pride’.

As tensions surrounding the two events simmer, the PSNI has appealed for glam.

This week’s offer Fletcher Meats

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