A man who bought the last remaining packed of burger baps at his local convenience has been the victim of a paramilitary-style assault.
Sammy Seed was sent to the shops by his girlfriend to buy a six-pack of burger baps for a family barbeque when he was set upon by four masked men armed with family-size bottles of ketchup.
Police said that while some men were beating Mr Seeds with the sauce bottles, others made off with his baps.
‘At approximately 1430hrs, a man was set upon by a gang armed with those big yokes of ketchup’, PSNI Sgt Rob Banks told reporters.
‘The victim endured a prolonged assault and was left in a pool of red sauce’.
‘We’d ask members of the public to remain vigilante, I mean vigilant, keeping an eye out for anyone that might be fortunate enough to have a bap with their barbequed meat tonight’.
Mr Seed was treated at the scene by paramedics before being whisked to the nearby Ulster Hospital where surgeons spent hours trying to get the stains out of his grey North Face bottoms.
Speaking from his bed in the Specialist Drama Unit, Sammy Seed told us:
‘This is fuck all compared ’til the baitin’ she’ll give me when I arrive home with fuck all baps’.
The Dundonald Liberation Army 