Robin Swann books a back, sack & crack for 23rd April

NI Health Minister Robin Swann will get his lower back, testicles and perianal region waxed as soon as close contact services reopen, it has emerged.

The 49-year-old informed the executive of his decision to have a ‘back, sack & crack’ shortly after confirming he was in favour of accelerating the process of relaxing restrictions.

Stormont sources claim Swann has already made a preliminary appointment with his local salon after months of complaining about his ‘wild hairy gooch’.

‘Even though he’s a short arse he still likes it well-maintained’, said the source.

The North Antrim MLA is rumoured to be only one of several Stormont politicians seeking waxes with justice minister Naomi Long booking in for a Brazilian.

Alliance Party leader Long is understood to have told colleagues her pubic region was ‘so unkempt’ it’s starting to resemble ‘a plan view of Mick Hucknall’s head’.

Meanwhile, sources claim Arlene Foster is optimistic of securing a hair appointment on 23rd April despite repeated pleas from colleagues to splash out on a box colour.

‘Sammy and Gregory have been on at her for months now about a L’Oreal wash-in but she wouldn’t cave’, a DUP insider told us.

‘Every time you see Arlene, she’s stood in the Assembly with roots longer than the Pan-American Highway’.

However, one politician who won’t be rushing out for hair or waxing appointments is Michelle O’Neill.

‘Michelle’s still been going to wee a salon up the West on the sneak’, claimed the source.

‘She’s been doing a cheeky 9 mins in the stand-ups and got her bits waxed last Tuesday’.

‘The girl who waxed her said Michelle’s doot was like Kojak’s elbow when she’d done with her’.

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