‘Themuns had a funeral, so usuns celebrated Rangers, then themuns had St Paddys, so usuns will have the 12th’ says local man

A local man is demanding the PUL community celebrate the Twelfth as a spate of tit-for-tat mass gatherings erupt across the province.

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Big ‘Turk’ Young is encouraging people from ‘his side of the fence’ to retaliate for yesterday’s St Patrick Day celebrations which took place in Botanic Gardens.

‘Themuns started it with that there funeral’, said the 43-year-old stay-at-home son.

‘So usuns hit back on the Shankill when the wee Teddy Bears won the league’.

‘But yesterday, themuns filled Botanic Gardens with pasty Culchies in GAA tops in what was another cowardly attack on the PUL community’.

‘I am therefore calling on all usuns to respond in kind by having our twelfth of July celebrations’.

However, nationalist community representative Dessie Dent has warned loyalists of further reprisals from republicans.

‘If themuns have the twelfth of July then usuns will have the internment bonfires in August’

Meanwhile, PSNI chief Rob Banks has appealed for unrest.

‘I would appeal to both sides of the community to resume hostilities as we approach the summer months’.

‘There was f**k all overtime last summer and I never even got to squirt a single bare-bellied Prod with a water canon’.

‘I would particularly appeal to the armchair bigot, who may currently find themselves furloughed and at a loose end, to spill onto the streets and engage in antisocial behaviour’.

Silly question but would anyone in Dundonald like a job?

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