East Link all-weather football pitches to be rebuilt for UK & ROI World Cup bid

A housing development will be demolished to make way for dangerous all-weather football pitches as Dundonald looks to strengthen a joint UK and Ireland 2030 World Cup bid.

Residents of Leathem Square were informed this morning by Lisburn and Castlereagh City Council of its intention to tear down their homes in order to rebuild the gravel pitches which once stood on the site.

Notices were delivered by local community representatives who gave residents a generous 24-hour period to vacate their premises.

For decades, inhabitants of Dundonald and its surrounding areas would risk life-changing injuries and disfigurement by participating in 40-a-side mixed martial arts football bouts.

These running battles occurred on all-weather football pitches with enduring surfaces comprising mainly of compact gravel, human flesh, bone and teeth.

With the UK and Ireland proposing a joint bid to host the 2030 World Cup, Dundonald is hoping to steal a march by rebuilding some of its finest stadia.

Dundonald native, wee ‘Hatchet’ Thompson, recalls breaking many an opponent’s tibia at East Link:

‘The key was to hit them with both feet on their standing leg’, grinned the 50-year-old lunatic.

‘The only issue was you’d severely injure yourself in the process. One sliding tackle on that unforgiving grey surface and you’d lose around 7 layers of flesh on your thigh’.

‘I remember many’s a night the missus hoking stones out of my patella with a pair of tweezers. When she’d finished, we’d enough to do the driveway’.

Still sporting the imprint of an all-weather Mitre Delta ball on his left cheek, Hatchet is rubbing his hands together at the prospect of stars such as Neymar and Mo Salah running across East Link.

‘Could ya imagine that wee ballix Neymar rolling about the deck covered in stones and grey sh*te after a two-futter from behind?’, he gently wept.

Other Dundonald stadiums currently under consideration include Fisher Bodies, Moat Park and the glass riddled Dundonald High School tennis courts.

I remember the time I gave yer ma the pork loin

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