January enters third month

As January enters its third month, millions of people across the globe are wondering if it will ever f*cking end?

With no end in sight, experts have warned it could last as long as a year.

‘We all know January’s a bit of a b**tard to get through but this year is just taking the piss’, said Prof. Duncan D. Nutt of Dundonald Tech.

‘I think next year we should agree to skip the f**ker all together and go straight into February. A nice wee 28-day jobby’.

It’s been a particularly grueling experience for those who stupidly volunteered to abstain from alcohol and many are at their wits end.

‘Every morning I wake up praying it’s February’, confessed Stephen McGreedy.

‘If ever there was a month you need to drink yourself into oblivion it’s this one’.

‘The weather’s shite, we’re under house arrest and I’ve put on about two stone after eating my body weight in Terry’s Chocolate Orange segments’.

‘You know you’ve put the beef on when the Mrs tells you to come on your own t*ts’, he moaned.

This week’s offer at Fletcher Meats

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