NI health officials propose six more weeks of scrolling through videos of dicks baking banana bread

Get a DLA bake mask

Health officials have proposed another six weeks of being stuck in doors and scrolling through videos of dicks baking banana bread, shaving their heads and juggling bog rolls.

There is increasing speculation that Elf minister Robin Swann will recommend his 42nd lockdown of the year following the enormous success of the previous 41 in combating the spread of the coronavirus.

It comes amid warnings from health officials that the system is struggling to cope following the shocking revelation that more people get sick during the winter.

The executive has also expressed concern that the spread of the virus has not reduced despite herding thousands of pyjama-clad women into every Primark store across the province.

And so, if there is another lockdown as expected, health officials are warning the public to brace themselves for another spate of social media posts involving banana bread, DIY haircuts and TikTok shite.

Dundonald’s own Chief Scientific Adviser, Big Bap McBride, had this to say:

‘At least in April and May you could lie out the back in the sun getting mangled’.

‘But the weather’s shite so there’ll be nothing else to do than watch a pack of ball-begs bake a loaf or take a pair of shears to their fat misshapen heads’.

‘All we can hope for now is free Pornhub premium again’. 

In other news, Dundonald Ice Bowl will be used as a makeshift morgue in the event that thousands of people are bored to death.

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