Death toll rises to 38, as boyfriend dies from boredom outside Primark

A Dundonald man tragically passed away this morning while waiting for his girlfriend outside Primark in Belfast City Centre, it has emerged. 

Dom Bordman (35) was found on a public bench by Christmas shoppers who believed he was sleeping.

Forensics experts estimate that Mr Bordman was stood outside the shop for between 35-45 minutes before finally succumbing to the effects of boredom.

Paramedics on the scene claimed it was the worst case of bored-boyfriend related death they’d seen this year.

‘The poor b**tard ran out of phone data within 10 minutes of waiting outside the shop’, explained responding paramedic John Saint.

‘After that, the only thing to keep him entertained was the sound of the violumpet in the distance’.

His girlfriend,  Helen McMelter, told police she’d lost track of time after initially telling Dom she was ‘only nipping in for a quick nosy’.

‘I only wanted to see what jammies they had in for the kids’, recalled Helen.

‘I asked Dom if he wanted to come in with me but he said he’d rather stir fry his ballix’, she sobbed.

It takes the number of deaths outside Primark this year to 38 and police are warning women to take better care of their male companions during their unnecessarily long shopping trips this Christmas.

‘Pre-plan your shopping trip. Know what you’re getting and where from before entering Belfast’.

‘Allow him to crack open a can after every 3 or 4 shops. It could save his life’.