The latest figures from the NSPCC have revealed that 1 in 4 school children living in Dundonald are being forced to carry their PE kits to school in a plastic bag from their local off-licence.
For decades, binge-drinking parents have saved a fortune on expensive PE equipment for their children by stashing all their carry-out bags in a kitchen drawer usually reserved for pointless shite such as batteries, ‘odds’ and playing cards.
‘Big Ethel’ from Ballybeen Estate packs her son’s sportswear in the same carrier bags used to transport home her Friday night ten-glasser of Smirnoff.
‘Our Jamie’s to go swimming the mara, so I’ll stick a wee pair-a-trunks inside this Winemark beg for him’, she explained.
‘But he better bring it back home the wee ballix- his da needs the same beg for his piece as well’.
The tradition is reportedly encouraged by gossiping teachers who are then able to decipher which children’s parents are the piss-poor heavy drinkers, without having to ask anyone directly.
P7 teacher Mrs Busybody told us:
‘The staff room is always a hive of activity as we try to establish whose parents are the most impoverished’.
‘Plastic bags and non-uniform days are a great way of spotting which ones are the scummy tramps’.
Ethel’s son, Jamie, is less enthused about the situation.
‘Big Ethel’s been humiliating me for years’, he explained.
‘Everyone else in my class is running about in fancy Gola sneakers and drinking Pepsi-Max, and here’s me wearing a pair of King Fishers and swigging diluted juice from an aul Smack Cola bottle’.
Meanwhile, Jamie’s classmate ‘Crazy’ Andy doesn’t see what all the fuss is about:
‘Dunno what the fuck he’s moaning about. What I’d give for a plastic beg. My ma just sent me out the door with my trunks wrapped in a towel’.