Dundonald woman tests positive for VAT 19

A Dundonald woman has tested positive for VAT 19 the Department for Health in Northern Ireland confirmed this morning.

Helen McMelter was rushed to the Ulster Hospital’s Specialist Drama Unit after coming into contact with a potent golden rum.

The 36-year-old was found curled up in the foetal position on her sofa this morning by her partner Joe.

Joe became alarmed when Helen claimed to be ‘fuckin dyin’ and so rang an ambulance.

Helen’s condition is said to be ‘stable but pure hangin’.

VAT 19 is a rum that was popular in Northern Ireland during the 70s and 80s, particularly with auld dolls.

Speaking from her bed in the Specialist Drama Unit, North Down Mums member Helen told us:

‘My ma and aunt used to tank a full bottle between them on a Friday night in the 80s’.

‘But still managed to get on that first bus headed for down the road so they could spend their house keep on shite in Wise Buys’.

‘So I thought I’d give it a wee try last night while I was having a nosy on Facebook’.

Unaware of its potency, Helen proceeded to consume the entire bottle with dire consequences.

‘Never had a hangover like it in my puff. Head was spinning like a Chinook’s propellers. Tits, nipples, heap sweatin’.

Helen’s partner Joe describes the moment he discovered Helen on the sofa:

‘Complete fuckin’ mess she was’.

‘Her begs round her ankles, lumps of boke stuck to her hair and Shania Twain’s ‘From This Moment’ blaring on the TV’.

Dr Steph O’Scope who’s been treating Helen since her admission is convinced she’ll make a full recovery:

‘We’ve administered 500mls of Sukie orange and a Jambon from the Mace. A salted chilli chicken for tea and she’ll be spot on’.

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