Local woman looking forward to getting her jammies on and lighting a Jo Malone candle tonight

A Dundonald woman can’t wait to put her pyjamas on and burn an overpriced scented candle tonight, it has emerged.

Helen McMelter made the announcement in a Facebook post which read:

‘Looking forward to sticking my new jammies on and lighting my Pomegranate Noir Home Jo Malone Candle the night. Bliss’.

Helen is just one of many people these days who are paying upwards £50 for a lump of smelly wax in a jar.

‘Yankee Candles are well out the fuckin’ windy’, explained Helen.

‘I wouldn’t insult my nostrils with that cheap aul shite’, she added.

It’s understood Helen will light her new candle with a wooden splint then spend approximately 45 minutes trying to capture the perfect Insta snap of the fragranced cylindrical block.

Once she’s acquired the ideal pic , Helen will post it online accompanied by a dozen wanky hashtag slogans about cold rainy nights in with her candle.

Scientists at Dundonald Looniversity claim the Jo Malone candle is often bought in conjunction with crushed-velvet furniture and pink gin.

Professor Brian Surgeoner said:

‘As we enter the autumn and winter months, expect to see countless Facebook posts from women looking forward to cozy evenings at home’.

‘These evenings usually involve things like ‘new jammies’, ‘the heatin blawstin’, ‘pats of stew’ and those unnecessarily expensive fucking candles’.

‘Follow up posts will usually enquire whether there’s ‘anyfing dacent on Netflix?’.

Asked if there was anything you could do to avoid seeing such posts in the coming days and weeks, Dr Surgeoner said:

‘Aye. Put your phone away you nosy bastard’.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s