A Dundonald man was rushed to the Ulster Hospital after lathering his genitals in Mint & Tea Tree Original Source shower gel, it has emerged.
Joe McMelter (37) suffered life-changing injuries when his testicles spontaneously combusted upon applying the product.
Speaking like a choir boy from his hospital bed, Joe recalled the precise moment he knew something had gone awry:
‘My Helen bought this new shower gel in B&M which she said smelt lovely and minty’.
‘So I pops in the shower this morning and lifts the bottle of Tingly Mint & Tea Tree’.
‘I do the usual, ya know, the bake, the pits, which was dead on’.
‘Then I made the biggest mistake of my life by slapping a handful on my ballix’.
‘Fucking tingly? It felt like I dipped my swingers in a bucket of Hydrofluoric Acid’.
Joe’s wife, Helen, was getting herself ready for work when she heard Joe’s effeminate screams followed by two large explosions.
‘When I heard my Joe’s screams I thought the big Ginny Ann saw another spider or sumthin’.
‘But then I heard a beng, then another beng’.
‘Next thing my Joe staggers out of the bathroom cupping what looks like two burst balloons in his hand’.
‘Then I realised his ballix were ballixed’.
Dr Steph O’Scope of the Specialist Drama Unit tried in vain to save Joe’s balls. She told us:
‘He will never father any children. On the plus side, he’ll have countless unbroken sleeps and save a fortune at Christmas’.