NI bracing itself for second wave of bog roll stashing bell-ends

Northern Ireland must prepare itself for a second wave of panic-buying, stockpiling, selfish fuckwits, experts have warned.

After Stormont announced their daily contradictory nonsensical list of COVID-19 restrictions, the same fleet of arseholes who emptied supermarket shelves in March and April drew up plans for a second raid.

Although it was hoped people would realize how ridiculously they behaved during ‘Lockdown #1’, pictures of barren supermarket shelves began appearing on social media last night.

We caught up with avid panic-buyer, Helen McMelter, as she emerged from ASDA with a trolley brimming with bog roll, pasta and cleaning wipes:

‘The shit paper’s still stacked ’til the ceiling in our wee bax room but I just nipped in there for another trolley full and I’ll send my Joe down for another one the night’.

‘I’ve already got more pasta in the house than fuckin’ Napolina but grabbed an extra few hundred kilos just in case’.

When asked if she had any sympathy for the most vulnerable members of society, including the elderly, who may have to go without items such as toilet paper, Helen said:

‘Fuck the aul bastards. Their cupboards are bunged ’til the hilt anyways. Have you ever managed to leave yer ma’s house without her handing ya a beg filled with tins of Heinz soup and other shite she’s been hoarding?’

‘They can wipe their hole’s with a sock for all I care’.

Meanwhile, Helen’s partner Joe, is hoping to make a fortune on the black market during the inevitable ‘Lockdown #2’:

‘I kept a list of all the things people were screaming for in March and April and started stockpiling them’.

‘I’ve got inflatable hot tubs, frozen salted chili chicken from my local Chinese and plenty of weed’.

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