A Dundonald man who bought a ridiculously unnecessary amount of toilet paper at the beginning of the COVID-19 outbreak has tested positive for scunder.
Dundonald man Andy Rex, for some reason unbeknownst to man, began buying large quantities of loo roll throughout the months of March and April.
This was in spite of repeated warnings ‘the shits’ was not a symptom of the coronavirus.
The latest dashboard update on Friday indicates the ‘scundered bog roll toll’ in Northern Ireland now stands at over 500,000.
Speaking from his bed in the Specialist Drama Unit at the Ulster Hospital, Andy said:
‘Every time I walk in ’til the box room and see all those packets of bog roll, I take a full redner’.
‘I mean, even if I had the squirts for the next 30-years, I’d never work my way through that amount of shit paper’.
‘I remember one of my mates, who smokes grass and spends his day looking at the sky for chem trails, told me I should stockpile it for the impending apocalypse’.
‘Little did I know ASDA just put in a larger order the following week and there was plenty for everybody’.
Andy broke down in tears as he recounts the moment he tipped an 85-year-old woman out of her wheelchair during a scuffle over a 4-pack of Charmin.
‘At the time I thought the aul bitch had it coming. But looking back I probably shouldn’t have trailed her by the wig out of that wheelchair. And I sure as fuck shouldn’t have let her tyres down’.
Head of the Specialist Drama Unit, Dr Steph O’Scope, is hopeful Andy’s redner will ease in the coming years.
‘Like most of the complete and utter dickheads who bought large quantities of items such as toilet paper and pasta, Andy is absolutely fucking scundered for himself’.
‘It’s unlikely his redner will wear off for several years – and rightly so’.
‘Symptoms of scunder might include: a bright red bake; flashbacks followed by involuntary groaning and/or sighing; a need to delete Facebook’.
‘Anyone who feels they might be affected by scunder to self-isolate for a few months and have a good word with themselves’.