Robin Swann released into Kiltonga Wildlife Reserve

Robin Swann was taken to Kiltonga Wildlife Reserve this afternoon and released back into the wild after eight months in captivity as Minister of Health for Northern Ireland.

A small gathering of Mr Swann’s former political colleagues applauded as he waddled his way down an embankment towards the water.

‘We’d like to thank Robin for his efforts during what has been the most difficult period in our modern history’, read a joint statement on behalf of the First and deputy First Ministers.

‘However, the time come for Robin to return to his natural habitat before he imposes any restrictions on attending churches or terrorist funerals’.

This week’s offer from Fletcher Meats

The 48-year-old former UUP leader spent the afternoon swimming with an assortment of aquatic birds and eating bread thrown at him by ill-reared children.

Squawking to reporters on the riverbank, Mr Swann said: ‘Thank f**k it’s all over. Let some other d**khead deal with all this shite’.

When asked if he’d be recommending anyone to succeed him as NI Health Minister, Mr Swann said: ‘Let them pick someone at random from the Belfast Live comments section. Sure they’re all f**king experts at everything’.

Meanwhile, after the Public Health Agency said localised lockdowns were “practically inevitable”, residents of North Belfast are reportedly panic-buying Camogie sticks and machetes.

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