Belfast Zoo to reopen much to annoyance of happily furloughed giraffe

Belfast Zoo will reopen its doors to the public this weekend much to the disgust of a furloughed giraffe. 

The zoo’s animals were placed on the job retention scheme when the facility became closed to the public due to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic.

Although the animals found it difficult to acclimatise at first, they say the prospect of returning to work ‘wud depress the bag clean aff ye’.

Big Geoff, a 26-year-old giraffe, told us he would happily continue doing fuck all for 80% of his usual wage.

‘At the start it was a bit of a melt. You weren’t allowed out of your enclosure and spent most of the day watching them ball-beg chimps making TikToks’.

‘But after a few weeks it became the new norm. The weather was class and you could sit outside getting pished’.

However, today’s announcement the zoo will reopen was a huge disappointment to the long-necked mammal.

‘Dreadin’ it, so I am’.

‘All them rough Belfast ones and their stinkin’ kids will be up here banging on the glass and trying to kill us with chocolate’.

‘There’ll be tears when the alarm goes off on Saturday, let me tell ye’.

When congratulated on the birth of his son, who was delivered during lockdown, Big Geoff said:

‘Whose son? Mine? Ah Jesus Christ. That’s the CSA on my fuckin’ case again’.

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