Facebook medical expert recommends everybody lose their sh*t over Covid-19

A self-certified Facebook medical expert is recommending everybody should start losing their shit over Covid-19, it has emerged.

Helen McMelter, who wouldn’t have the medical background to squeeze a pimple, took to social media this morning to spread fear and panic among those who believe everything they read on Facebook.

The mother-of-two, regarded as a giant in the field of scaremongering, has whipped up hysteria ever since news of the virus first broke.

In a long-winded rant posted on Facebook this morning, Helen wrote:

‘I don’t mean to alarm anyone but I think it’s time we all faced the fact there is a global bog roll shortage’.

‘Furthermore, I saw a 100ml bottle of hand sanitizer on eBay for 67 grand’.

‘It is my expert medical opinion, that based upon these rough calculations I worked out on the back of this here feg packet, that we all have approximately 3 days before we’re forced to wipe our holes with newspaper’.

‘In which case, I would recommend we all stock up on as many newspapers as we possibly can’.

No sooner had Helen posted her medical findings to Facebook that she was bombarded with questions from the eternally gullible.

‘Is there any particular newspaper we should be wiping our holes with Helen?’, asked one dickhead.

‘The Star’, replied a local raker.

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