Riot at ASDA Dundonald over 4 pack of toilet roll as Coronavirus threat continues

Panic buying fuelled by the coronavirus crisis resulted in a riot in a supermarket in Dundonald this morning.

Arrests were made and several shoppers required medical attention after a customer squabble over shit roll erupted into violence.

With the number of positive cases of the Coronavirus in Northern Ireland rising to ONE, people have been taking the unnecessary precaution of buying a lot of aul shite they’ll never use.

We caught up with shopper, Nick Steel, who was caught up in this morning’s violence:

‘I slept outside the shop and broke four ribs in a human crush when they opened the front doors this morning.

‘But here, it was totally worth it, cos I was one of the first ones in’, panted Nick, sporting a bloodied head wound and clutching a four-pack of toilet paper.

The 36-year-old drama queen showed us footage of the riot he captured on his rose-gold iPhone.

‘There’s two pregnant women trailing the wig clean aff each other over a box of fanny pads’, he squealed while jabbing his finger at the phone.

‘I managed to get the last of the bog rolls, so I did’, he bragged.

‘I was lucky though, cos some aul doll almost got to it before me! But I hit her a good boot in the shins then tipped her out of her wheelchair onto the floor’.

‘These will go in the cupboard under the stairs along with the other 50 rolls I bought this week’.

‘I know it’s a respiratory illness but ya never know, it could give ya the shits too’.

‘Do ya want any hand sanitizer, I’ve a load in the car?’, he asked, while scrolling along the flat surface of his smartphone where germs can live for up to 96-hours.


One thought on “Riot at ASDA Dundonald over 4 pack of toilet roll as Coronavirus threat continues

  1. The symptoms of being a selfish bastard, by chief medical officer Professor Chris Whitty
    24th March 2020

    I’M PROFESSOR Chris Whitty, the Chief Medical Office of the UK, and we are discovering that more and more Britons are terminally selfish bastards.

    Here’s how to identify whether you are one of those people and how you can treat it before it is too late for you and those around you.


    If you’re visiting one of our increasingly silent and unnerving supermarkets and find yourself filling a trolley with more fresh produce, pasta and paracetamol than you are realistically able to consume, stop and slap yourself in the face.

    Getting together with mates to get hammered

    Check your behaviour every six hours. If you find yourself going to a houseparty to get drunk with friends or refusing to stop training for a cancelled marathon, then look in a mirror and tell yourself what a staggeringly selfish twat you are.

    Trying to send your kids to school

    If there are no key workers in your household and someone is able to care for your children, trying to send them to school anyway means you have an acute case of what doctors call inconsideratus illegitimi. We diagnose looking after your own kids, knobhead.

    Taking your caravan to Wales

    Driving your caravan to Wales or Scotland to avoid the coronavirus and quite possibly taking the virus with you is the ultimate selfish bastard move. Pull over near a concrete overpass and spend five to ten minutes banging your head into it before turning around and going home.


    All of the above

    If you attempt to do all of the above, I regret that your case is too far advanced for any preventative action to be effective. There is no vaccine or cure and never will be. You must self-isolate for the rest of your natural life.


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