Local woman ‘sticking on a big pat of stew the night’

A Dundonald woman is going to make an enormous pot of stew tonight, it has emerged. 

40-year-old Helen McMelter made the decision after declaring this morning to be ‘awful cowl’.

The mother-of-three was spotted in her local convenience store a short while ago with her pyjama bottoms tucked into her faux Ugg boots.

Eyewitnesses claim her basket was filled with mince, onions, carrots and several scratch cards.

We caught up with Helen at her home where she was preparing enough stew to feed the New Zealand rugby squad.

‘It’s winter nai alrite’, said Helen while sucking on a melon flavoured vape.

And so, in preparation for seasonal change, Helen confirmed she’s taking the necessary precautions.

‘I think I’ll stick a big pat of stew on the night’, she said.

‘I’ll get everyone new jammies outta ASDA the day. Then we’ll stick a wee Hallaween film on with the heatin’ blastin’, she beamed.

Her husband Joe was less enthused about the sudden cold snap though.

He said, ‘It’s alright for her, sat on her hole all day listening to Michael Buble’.

‘But I’ve to get to my work and those Craigantlet Hills will be like the fuckin’ winter Olympics soon’.

‘That’ll be me sent til work with a Tupperware bax filled with that b@stardin’ stew for a month ’, he sobbed.

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